school is getting better i guess. God is stil nice to me. tho i dont deserve it. i've decided to do the proj with them. thot i shd prob not outcast myself. so there. mayb i'll just volunteer to compile it or smthg.

another marked exercise today. bleah. asked us to write our goals for public relations writing, what we hope to accomplish blah. have been eons since i last wrote smthg proper. ugh. i really think my angmoh cannot. eeks. and so i crapped saying i hope to be a public relations writer for FJ Benjamin! haha paiseh, i 'borrowed' yr ideal wk place twinnie. wahhaa. and say in order to get the scoops and all i have to read more fashion mags, blah. sigh. hope i can get a credit and above for it man. tho i think not. cos my writing is like shit = many diff pieces. HAHA.

today i managed to make more frens, and also exchange emails n nos. and all. things are probably picking up. i really hope it will. sucky part is that ive gotta craft a news release over the weekend! eeks.

actually lessons are quite interesting, i kinda enjoy it. and ive got farnie classmates who smell a little strange with their endless silly questions. i pray that things wil get better and better pls!

then had dinna with pops aft lesson n daddy send us home. awwww. so sweeeeeet.

per se: twinnie babe. i know u are going thru a rough period at this pt of time. but hang in there ok. God sees yr heart and i am so positive that He'll forgive us as long as we are willing to repent. it may seem bleak at the moment, but perk yrself up, it wil all be over soon. the rainbow will be out to embrace us, and from there shall we start anew.
*looking forward to our mtg tmr for i miss u so much! hugs & love.

my heart is pounding. any moment and it will explode. ahhh fuck. not like i dont have enough worries of my own. mediocre as it may seem to be. smtimes i wish i wasnt the one who fired it all. but then again, i'd nv have imagined such to happen. im so hating all these shit! fuck. i jus feel like dying. sobs.

why cant things be easier for me. sobs. i nv wanted much. jus small little things. or even for u to be happy with me. my heart is literally throbbing. so much pain in it. perhaps i am asking too much. perhaps its all too far-fetched. or mayb theres so much which i havent perceive it to be.

and i stil get jitters before gg for classes. really hate the process of makign new frens. its so gross and fake and smelly. and i really wanna do the assignmt alone, yet am afraid that nxt time when i need projmates, others will already form their own teams. sigh. why cant God make it easier for me. why do i have to go thru all these shit. sobs.

why do stars fall down from the sky
everytime you walk by?
just like me, they long to be
close to you.

God is faithful. and im really thankful how He has pulled me thru the past few days. to begin with, first day at sch sucked. i was late n so jus sat down along the aisle with sm girl. and i didnt exactly have much chance to mingle ard la, so i felt really friendless. sigh. was a depressing start. PR writing seems pretty tough. and work on wed was nt getting any better. cos familiar ppl weren't ard, but i gt 2 malays and 1 extremely quiet guy. sigh. hate tt freaking combi. and they made me take over a counter. like HELLO its only my 2nd day, and they seemed to expect me to rem everythg so clearly. bullcraps. then made me stay til the last duck came bk. like wth lor. the 1st day there, others were all so nice to me, and i even managed to knock off super early. but sigh. i sure hope i dont get that disgusting combi again. *cross fingers*. to top it off, my phone was cut off, no access to calling/smsing cos of delay in paymt of bill. that made me even more upset. was in tears when i rang twin up using the public phone. but thankfully i was able to use it aft an hr. and twin came to visit me cos she was mtg her friend there. then she lingered ard til i knock off n have dinna tog. sweet. then went for my mtg in church and she came to pick me up to send me home to take things n bk to her plc again.

then before i went back aft wk on wed, ppl fr office asked me to be on the kermee bus the whole day on thurs cos apparently there was some shoot going on, and i jus need to sit ard and make sure they dont do anythg stupid. so i went, thank God i called the captain, else he would have missed me cos they bloody didnt told him i was cmg along. anw i was redundant la. they were shootg a commercial to be aired in India. long story la. but quite interesting. tho i hate the fact that the peeps there were 99% guys. eeks. smore either ahbangs/nehnehs. so there. but adored the fact that i didnt have to be at counter! but then again, i really do get satisfaction when tourists smile at me, or even seemed really grateful for the info provided and all. haha. ohwells. what a contradictory. anw, went off to sch really early, like an hr early. haha. and i made new friends! wheee. i feel so much happier n relieved nw man. phew.

have been helping twinnie with the publicity thingy using macromedia. first time! and im so proud of myself for the little bit of poster done! but its making us pull all our hair out. ugh. can be quite frustrating man.

and tmr's the mid-autumn celeb thingy in church. hope the ktv doesnt screw up pls God. and that the balloon can be blown. (and burst too.HAHA.)

blessed wkend ahead~!

first day at ducktours last thurs. nice peeps there. but still feel pretty much lonely tho there was a new intern with me. prob takes time to settle down and mix in. so there. almost got myself screwed when we miscalculated and forgot to charge for 6 tics! thank God we managed to get the person. else habis. anw, job scope's pretty fun. haha. required to do boarding, meaning use the mic n asking them to gather and watch a 5min video before boarding the duck, then bringing them out to the duck, then tearing off the tic stubs. haha. slack! but just started training for the sales of tickets. guess i dont like that too much. haha scary! and then i had a nice surprise from bestie! she came with her mama. oops.paiseh. and she brought me mangopassionfruit from starbucks! so sweet. hee. muacks.

then i cut my hair on fri. bohoho. guess i dont like it. too much on the sides makes my face look fat.! ugh.nvm. hope it will grow out soon.

sat was spent at church for prac then over to suntec for bike fest. went down with twin, thinking mei wil be alone but alas! eug was there. haiya. nvm. its good to do nice at times.

sunday was good! had lunch aft svc then went to vivo for mini retail therapy at daiso! hee. then we caught evan almighty which was NICEEEEE N FARNIEEEE. hehhehes. then over to clarke for riverside indonesian food...! then we walked ard, and took many silly piccas. loved the day!
hope theres more to come with babe. cos it feels like a long time since we last hung out so freely. cos there was the chinatrip, the funeral.. so there. more happy times pls babe! (:

theres classes tmr! first class! ugh.s cary again. haiyo. new frens, new projmates. hope God'll grant me with nice peeps man.

work on wed n thurs. think i shd prolly get another job. any lobangs pls tell me, thanks!

shit happens because its a shitty day. sigh. first the hairdresser, then the pops, then the internship then the bloody jeans.skunk. __ anw i gt a job. so hopefully that will make YOU happy. i will jolly well get anothr since its part time. no worries, i will work v hard to support myself. and its work day tmr. meaning i must be up at 7. sigh. the thought of it is sianing enough. ohwells. do i have a choice? guess i dont. but am just thankful enough for a job. but already fretting what i shd do during lunchtime. sobs. sigh.

i need to cut my hair desperately. cos the locks are so long, its making me feel super HOT as in PERSPIRINGLY HOT. grrrr. and chris is missing. hw nice. ahhhh. guess its contributing to the temper these days. darn.

sigh. im feeling super down today. huai4 liao1.tsktsktsk. i hate myself for being in self-denial, self-deluding all the time. i always think that things will happen that way but it always turn out the other. sigh. i really oughta snap out of it. perhaps i mean nothing after all. and mayb when i reach enlightenment, things like this will nv bother me again and i wil be a free, spirited soul. yes i will be.

i hope the embark of a brand new day ahead will bring me surprises filled with lotsa love from above. God gimme strength, wisdom too pls. thank uuu.

woohoo! the best friend is back! and we met ytd tho for a short time. adored the company. too bad she had to leave early. then this morn she was supp to acc for an intv, and go chop our hair. but rec the devastating news that her grandpa passed away. sigh. life is fragile aint it. dear if u see this, cheerie up ok, he is in a much better place now. (: and so... i had to go for intv alone! contemplated nt gg but i went anw. and thank God it was ok, tho she did asked me qns which i hadnt thot of. but anw, she say i might get the job, hehs, gonna wait for her call on sunday, and which she says i wil hv to go down for anth chitchat with her. mann i really do hope to get the job, if its according to God's plans! customer relations officer for ducktours! sounds fun already. wheee. job scope seems pretty fun too, according to her that is. just that smtimes we do get sucky customers. whatever it is, im gonna pray for His plans to reveal to me! and then took bus back, passed by substance and it was closed! got a bad feeling the shop's GONE. cos i called the plc, and the number was nt in use. sure hope i can get Chris, else i will be quite sad, no one to handle my locks. boo.

meeting jess n liz tmr. sigh. dunno what to expect also. smtimes the convo can get pretty DUH. cos they seemed to enjoy talking abt bfs and all. i mean HELLO there is much more to life right? haha perhaps i am eating sour grapes, i dunno. but like what twin says, ppl who need a bf/gf are selfish, which to a certain extent i think its true. no offence yeah.

anw, gtget outta here. blessed wkend babes.

hi. im back! with a bang. carnival on satty was a-okay. it could have been much better if fatty was around. but nvm, cos the best friend is coming back today! wheee. thats the only thing keeping me happy.boy do i miss her! sweet girl always sneaking calls every night w/o fail when her dad is in the shower. just like what twinnie said in the mail, >> in sg when we cld talk to each other at ease, we simply take advantage and perhaps reluctant to raise a topic or talk much. but i figured just nw, when we know we hav such short time, we shoot. fr this i know we do treasure each other<< man. so true.

back to carnival, reached at 12, left at 3.. dominated by whole of eng congre, feel like an aboriginal there, wakaka! bought smthg for bestie, a bag for myself, dont even know why i buy it, and mei gt a bag too. all at the bazaar. thank God managed to borrow a cam fr shazzie so can snap piccas for the bestie to see! reached there and saw HAY getting dunked.. there were the game stalls, food stalls, a mini e-zone rented playarea with a tunnel slide and lotsa colorful balls. smwhat like playarea at ikea, and also this airblown thing where kids get to jump and tumble around in. then little thaddeus gt glitter tattoos on, he was elated! didnt want to leave his chair, wanted another one done on his hand. haha CUTE. walked ard with gracie, then mag.. mama's stall was selling donuts. was selling like hot cakes. ppl buy them by the boxes! but i thot it wasnt anythg compared to krispy kreme. haha. fad i presume.

still on the lookout for jobs. today i sent 3. hopefully i get the ducktours one. seems pretty interesting. but quite disheartening nt to hear fr any so far. ugh.

bestie surprised me yet AGAIN! that sweet pea dropped me a huge ass letter in my mailbox on the night before she left. the silly girl scribbled pages of notes using the sweet dot paper from daiso in the car, put it in a huge brown envelop and pop it into my mailbox! heehee. i was grinning from ear to ear when i saw it on the table ytd. love her!

she called from PRC last night using her papas phone when he was in the shower! i was so happy to hear her voice. man. i really miss her. tho it has been just 1 day. and then she started to fill me in on details of the plc, what her dad n the uncle n auntie wants her to do there. stay in the fact, manage it, fly bk on weekends, blah blah... and i started sobbing. and even aft she hung up i was stil sobbing. sigh. i dont want her to go over there to work! its so unfair!!! sigh. and knowing this girl, this very nice girl, i know she will now turn it down, cos of fear of them nt able to find a trustworthy/known person to do the job. sigh. i wish God wil come and turn the situation around. i really hate the fact that they are deciding everythg for her!its nt fair. sigh. sobs. wish they will put their selves in her shoes and nt be so selfish! argghhh. hate them. right nw i just want her to come back to singapore. grrrr.

after weeks of living life in a frenzied state, im thankful to say it has finally come to a halt. and God has been faithful all these while, showing me how much people around me care n love, im truly touched and i can never thank God enough. esp my pops and the best friend who stood by me, and helped me so so much. (:

enrolment on tues, boringg. yawns. many seemed to be in cliques already. kinda worried abt first day of sch nw. mayb i'll bring bestie along if shes free, haha. read thru sm lecture notes, gonna do PR Practice and Writing. know i'm gg to love it, thought i aint gonna excel or anythg. right nw i just wanna put in my 100% and get a degree with distinction to make my pops proud! but eh i think kinda far-fetched. haha. it also meaans time for a job. no calls from the resumes i send, kinda disheartening, but then again, i sent so few, whats there to complain!

went to sentosa the past sunday with bestie! we had so much fun tog. was so spontaneous. caught songs of the sea, smwhat like musical fountain, cept this time we had to pay! but there were sm firewks too, lovely. caught 3 movies since beginning of aug til nw, 881, Hairspray and Ratatouille! all are nice, esp the latter! man, i really enjoyed every bit of it, the animation was fantastic, and it brought in the romantic scent of Paris, whoa, i felt as tho i was a part of the show! haha. dont mind catching a second time shd smone sponsor me. hehs. so girls, go catch it!!! great storyline too, teaches us never to give up! (((((:

bestie left for PRC this noon. boo. the moment she left, my dad scolded me.sigh. all cause of my mama's quarrel with brother ytd, then my mama complained to my dad, then my dad see my room so messy and all, so he attacked me. boo. but luckily he stopped after fixing my bed. btw i got a spanking new bed! wheee. queen size.nt brand new, from my mama's fren. she shifted, so i got a new bed! wheeee. now i can roll around like a spring roll! haha. happieeeeee.

church fundraising carnival on sat. i aint the least bit excited. perhaps like what bestie said, cos i can go, and it doesnt seem like such a big deal. if i were the one who couldnt go, i might feel the pinch of sadness too! ohwells. promise i'll get u smthg k twinnie! cheerie up, u'll be back soon and we'll go chop off our hair tog! am missing u as im typing this. awwww. anw, theres gonna be a dunking machine too, guess Nick will surely get dunked, since he's a humongous roly-poly!

i need to go pack my room, make it neat, so that the folks wil be pleased with me! cha~!

spent over a week at the besties place. mostly out in the evenings. to the movies, to church for mtgs, to mustafa etc. this week was bullcraps for us. but thank God we managed to pull thru in a way or another. must really thank babes for helping me make endless calls to the bank (cos useless me am scared), to the sch, for acc me all the time, and for the super sweet and giving gesture of wanting to make payment for 1st term of sch. a whopping 3343. yup. she is that nice. willing to let go of it and let me have it. and i say God will bless her abundantly for her love. if u happen to see this, thanks twin, for the endless treats - meals, movies, and always helping me pay for things! what'd i do w/o u man. can nv thank u enough dorothy sooooo!

right nw, pls pray that the bank will help me and get me the cheque by monday!!! ugh. else orientations on tues, and i will be like a retarded lost sheep, or even miss the opportunity of sch. so there, pls say a short prayer if u happen to see this,thanks a million! (:

wept buckets endless times this week, and i really hope it will come to and end, cos its worryin the shit outta me with 2 sides pressing. but my pops were really nice. help me make calls and even went down to bank to screw the guy. poor guy. none of his biz but yet had to clear the shit of the fatty ng.jerk. useless, irresponsible. hate him. grrrr.

today i sent 5 resumes - marketing comm assistant, event coordinator, drama instructor, program instructor and casting coordinator. hope i will get calls or smthg. if thats what God has in mind for me. hehs.

gg for rebounder at trinity tmr! wheee. excited.

do you love me because i am beautiful? or am i beautiful because you love me?

happened to chance on this tag smwhere, and i thought it made perfect sense.
- NEVER LIE TO A LIAR.

smtimes i really dont know what i am doing at all.

sch matters cannot get anymore complicated.

wat a poor fuck. u u uuuuuuuuuuuuuu.

i wanna let go and let live. free me.

the best friend is right beside me reading her book. dont know what is so enchanting/captivating abt that book that just so draw her away to another planet altogether. haha. funny chap.

trinity on sat for power weekend, was a miracle/healing svc. hmmm, smwhat nt quite what we expect it to be, but nevertheless it was cool. hehs. i just like the atmosphere there, its so God-filled. smhw i jus can never have the same experience in stjames. sigh. i ponder upon a sign of escapism from the harsh facts of reality. but i have no one to blame, cos i know i play a part in it too. SIGH. wish God'd do smthg. then again, i think He has been wking, but His children havent beeen. so there. takes 2 to clap right. hais.

twinnie's in sm deep shit(in a way or so). wish i can help her but what i can offer is mere company. where are u God? why does it seem to me that u are so distant? ...

know im very much in need of a job, but once again, im running away. and im using sch as a facade. i need to help myself. damn.

managed to get a letter fr bank to sch to stall time. im so thankful. to God. to twinnie, to my parents. twinnie was so nice to help me call the chua guy. and even gt all flustered up cos of their inefficiency. ohwells, im am truly grateful to her, cos if i were to call, nothing will ever be done. sigh.im useless. much contrary to my size, i am but sheep in pig's clothings.poof. nw i just cross fingers and pray that the loan will be processed and that they wil get bk to me!

gt news that my atm lect passed away on tues.. sigh. so sad can. heart attack in the staffrm. and he was only 51. ohwells, nt too young or old.but the fact that he left so sudden surely made me stop to ponder about this life. so fragile as it may seem. sigh. smtimes i really qns the reason for existence. of cos we all know that gg to heaven is a wonderful thing but death itself it frightening enough. cant stand the thought of my loved ones departing, tho i know smday it will happen, or perhaps i will be on my way much sooner. sigh.

bestie did this for the natday straits time bestfrens contest! didnt win, but the gesture is heartwarming enough. (:

as the song goes... sad movies, always make me cry.

cept that it aint sad movies, its the sickening thing abt sch. sigh. supp to submit sm doc bk to sch to secure my placemt, but due to sm uncertainties, i have to give them a letter to assure abt the loan shit, and all by tmr! so last min. screwed.and i just called the bank and apparently they havent got my bros name in the system at all. and the guy who attended to us is on leave til like fri or smthg. fuck. i knew it was nv gg to be easy. but i never knew it was gonna be so diff either. ugh. and asking my bro to do things can be bloodcurdling cos dad jus called him and i guess he shook him off the phone in a pekchek tone again.sigh. if only i need not depend on him. sigh. nw everybodys nt feeling too happy. sigh. fuck. why do i always bring unhappiness everywhr i go God? why cant u just make it easier for me..? is that too much to ask of?

it hasnt been an easy week. tho on the surface i appear to be happy and all. underlying it, you'll never know. cos u are not me. still rem vividly the day i wept buckets at tpy. no idea what had gotten over me, but the tears kept streaming down my face. ugly sight i know but i couldnt help it. lasted for an hr or so. sigh. smtimes i wish i wasnt so emo. i wish u would stop, and comforted me. cos at that pt of time it was impossible for me to take in any word u said. so any little thought would have triggered the spilling tears.

if i knew things were ever gonna get so complicated with sch, i'd have aborted the idea. but yet they were the ones who enc me to pursue my studies further. yes i know with a degree, i would definitely be put in a better stead, but what does it guarantee me? a life of happiness? a man who loves me by my side everynow and then? hmmm. everything seems so vague and bleak. in life we need to pause momentarily before proceeding elsewhere yeah? it is never easy to take the step of faith. to walk into a path where you dont even know if there's a way out? sigh.

i know jolly well its my fault for not wking all these while, nt helping to provide for myself. then again, how big a sum have i asked from u all these while? am i like those girls who indulge in brands, always wanting to outdo others? or have i even cavort with boys? or have i ever asked for smthg which i know i will never be given? i havent. all these while i can only see and be filled with envy upon what others have and i didnt. grass is always greener at the other side. yes, that i know very well. and of cos i have so many things to be thankful about. but i just wish u'll learn the fact that afterall, i am but a human being. i have my wants, and also my weaknesses. sigh.

anw, i wonder about the existence of this post. meaningless as it may seem. but at least i feel much better.

albeit still upset.

6th august marks the saddest day of my life in 07. (til now that is) period.

i really feel like eating this now. how ah?

ndp preview was awesome! had sucha great time watching all the perf. tho i must say smhw the place hinders spontaneity and interaction, but the firewks, drills etc sure escalate to a higher level. fireworks were so near, feel as tho we can reach out our hands and touch them! haha. was really busy snapping pictures away. anw, was glad that i had the chance to go! hehs. goody bag's getting better each yr, more n more stuff. was amazed by this mini fan which spin out the words - happy bday singapore when it was switched on. haha.suaku.

sunday svc was horrible for me. screwed up during the last song, so hot tears keep spilling out once i sat down. thanks twin who saw it and comfort me and all. just feel so rotten that i told myself i will nv play again. sigh. wonder why such things have to happen. ugh. just wanna get over it and move on.

they went to KL with the elf n pigsy,even took the train. cant help but having this tinge of jealousy. it used to be us, but things turn out so ugly and different now. guess friends will never belong to us anw. saddening as it is, we have to MOVE ON! and get over it. HAHA.