twice a wk ive been to PS
and heading there again ltr
first wk of hols
and im turning into a panda
glad work was over.
money could do me some good

attended the seminar
it was so inspiring
wonder when can i ever play like the pastor
he made me fall in love with the piano
wish i could play like him
but had difficulty catching up
cuz he was talking bout those
suspension, inversion, diminish etc
then there was stupid auntie
kept asking questions
damn irritating
everytime it'd be her
without fail.
damn it man.

super hungry and freezing cold now
it has been raining everyday
can the clouds please get your butt outta the way
and let the sun out

got the satin with cute monkey prints for mei's pressie
gonna make her a pyjamas
hehheh..
and those cap like Santa's with a furry ball there

can't take it,
fingers are numb!

cant go online again
smthg has cocked up with the domain system
so here i am at hawks place

exams have come to an end
never been happier
life is finally back to its normal pace
so glad.

all papers were horrendous
except for law n hrm
just dont wanna think abt em now
went to daiso with liz on sat
got the orange eye masque, frog tape, choc mould and the brush
hehs.
then went for family dinner with my relatives
warm and nice feeling seeing all my cuzzies
a few yrs since i last saw them
sun morn woke up at 7 plus
followed my cuzzies n all to fetch the bride
but was in a foul mood lah
thanks to my mama and her mascara
but dinner was quite fun lah

anyway gonna wk at cuzzies office fr wed-fri
8.5 should do me jus fine
but then am quite sian by the thought of it
imagine waking up at 7plus on a holiday
ugh
then may go msia nxt week with other cuzzies

some guys are really gross...
grossed me out.
and they piss the hell out of me.
plz look into the mirror
tell me what u see

kinda like this pic... my bday celeb during camp this yr! with the abia shirt made by amei! yup the one with the cabbage hair cupping my face! hehs...

absolutely fun morn + noon
except for the fact that i had to study
which i obviously didnt
heck.

was like excited
cuz waited damn long for sunday to come
anyway, mooncher and charmaine came today
so glad ta see em
last saw em was camp in June
anyway, the girls are really cute lah
wasnt on worship duty this wk
then end of svc
music team was praying
then ah mei pulled me up
so she told em abt me n dot having exams
so nic asked her to pray
haha
and she did, thanks sista!
its really encouragin and heartwarming
to know that people care after all
then she passed me this photo of us when she won the dj competition
and this encouragement card!
so sweet of her! grins
really very happy to know theres always
this group of ppl who are there for me
no matter what happens
then adeline gave us some hair spray thingy
so sweet and nice of her too!
went for lunch with the girls
and head home aft that
when i got hm there was so many ppl in da hse
cousins came to try on clothes for the wedding
then mooncher charmaine and their grandmama was there
i tot"shit lah no need study liao
but God brought them to another place
soon after that
hee thank u God
but looking forward to greater times with them aft my exams!
didnt study much
die.
econs driving me nuts.
and im really scared.
feel like crying.
sso scared i'll fail and retake.
But i know God's grace is sufficient for me
and that He'll sustain me thru this period!

at the end of the day
i wanna thank God for all the sweet messages
He have sent me thru so many people
all the "jiayous", pats on the bk, prayers
words of encouragement
and even little cards and gifts
thank u Lord!
thank u my dear lovely churchmates!

lastly, something that was on the card
dedicated to everyone

"God has not promised skies always blue,
flower-strewn pathways all our lives through;
God has not promised sun without rain,
joy without sorrow, peace without pain.

But God has promised strength for the day,
rest for the labor, light for the way,
grace for the trials, help from above,
unfailing sympathy, undying love."

15/10/04

after 40 days
finally received an sms from her
and i was jus telling God the other day
that i wished she would take initiative instead
and He paid attention to such a small wish
something that was just so unimportant
thank u Lord
she told me there was this shop
at orchard plaza
poa shoes going for a song @ only 19.90
hahas wil head down, nxt sat this time!

was at church studying then ah bee came
passed me this brochure
told me that reverend ask me to attend
its a praise and worship seminar
- effective piano for worship -
so she said go back and consider lah
and i thot since God want me to do this
why not
so i think im gonna go!
so excited
dots gg with me too
hopefully i'll absorb many things and
have more confidence
and play for worship service!
to put whatever i've learnt into service
for the Lord
$65 for 6 hrs
split into 2 days
sponsored by church
so im gonna go and be inspired!

then one of the most embarrassed things happened to me
took 75 hm fr hv
carrying my camou army green sling
went up the bus
walked to the bk to get a seat
before i could pass the exit door
i was like wthell
how come suddenly theres a force pulling me bk
the elastic strings of my bag got hooked to
somebody else's bag who was in the front
u could have imagine
how bloody paiseh i was
i had to retreat and said
sorry sorry
and settled for a seat in the front
all the paisehness
ugh!
hahaha...
then i had to keep my cool
so i took out my notes and pretend to think real deep
took out my phone and called my mama
hahahha...
so paiseh...
i was imagining the people in the back all snickering
luckily, the bag belongs to a maid
if it was some cute guy,
then thats the end of it. haha...

then grace came over to my place
needed my mama's help to make cheerleading clothes
seems like its a shoot
and she brought the directors along
like so cool man
then they found np magnum force peeps for the shoot
ahahhaha skali got albert
hahaha...
but they want it by nxt wk
so my mama might nt be able to rush...

16/10/04
had hrm paper today
thank God it was a breeze
managed to handle all the questions
wasnt much problem
so glad 1 paper is down.
i guessed the remedial class really helped
hehheh...

shit i feel like going out.
ugh.

i think this girl looks cute... hahaha...

the man and woman are gg putri tmr
sigh, but i cant follow this time
papers are all so near
cant help but feeling a lil excited
tho' stil got tons of stuff stil havent touched yet.

auds bday coming, 21st
mayb will ask amei to get some stuff and share it
im very drained already
not much juice left
alamak.

they wun be ard tmr
but think i'll still make my way to church
only can focus and study there
no idea why also
but i guess its bcuz its
1) quiet
2) no distractions
3) me all alone in the rm
so its good for me!

my cuzzie's wedding's cmg
cant wait
looking forward to it!
uncles aunties gonna come fr m'sia
few yrs since i last saw my lil cuzzies
its gonna be fun

but right now
i've to cross a hurdle first
and God'll guide me thru it
He'll be there with me
holding my hand
til i finish the whole race
and after that
He'll still be there.

i love to blog.
i love to sum up my day in a blog.
it feels good. to blog.
just a release of all emotions.
tho u cant really mention names at times

went to sch
then met wenjun to study
but wif ard
i'll end up talking non-stop like an idiot
then went oppo to killiney to have dinna
think its quite cool to go oppo and eat in da night
hahaha

was playing time crisis at hawk's place
haha so funnnsss
but the aud snatched it from me
jus aft a short while

hawk lives on the 23rd storey
and i lived on the 22nd
didnt wanna take the stairs when i wanna come hm
so i took lift with nic and aud
then guess what?
he wouldnt allow me to press 22nd storey!
i was like what the hell lah!
then had to go up 22nd storeys in the lift alone
kinda scary, 12-35 in the lift all alone.
ugh.
gonna get him for that!!!

they gg m'sia again
i wanna go too
but dots not gg
then i'll feel lonely
still considering lah

there are so many things i wanna get at spotlight
after checking out the catalogue
i wanna get
1) white flower girl halo with white flowers - to be made myself ha
2) the 'get creative' monthly mag
3) sea-play elastane to may into swimming costumes
4) polka dots and stripes cloth
5) printed stretch poplin
6) 'cargo' stripes
7) sunprints
8) cutie pie iron on motifs
9) angel halo
10) glass milk bottle - super cute!
11) 'pink daisy' printed velour - beach towels
12) terry beach blanket

go take a look!
http://www.spotlight.com.sg/new/shopping

all the things are super nice!
i want it all!
so that my mama can make then into nice clothes for me
hehhehs.

catched white chicks ytd
super farnie.
kept laughing and laughing
sigh. there goes my revision.
damn shitty.
dunno balance of payment.
and hrm back chapters are all extremely tough
heck man.
but at least i study more in church.
sian. the exams are so near. so so near.
dot's supp to be mugging
but she went to work at awfully chocolate.
what the!
nvm. shall pop by and ask her to blanja me
hehs.

sometimes,
at one moment.
u are so happy.
i mean E.X.H.I.L.A.R.A.T.E.D.
and the next,
the happiness just burst like a bubble.
and no more happiness.
it's short-lived.
sigh.
wish it was forever.

depression sank in again
on a bright cheery monday.
just 1 email.
and thats enough.
always make my life miserable
nonchalant.
always say im nonchalant.
im not.
idiot.
u are the one who's nonchalant.
im trying very hard you know.
u think i like being mean?
damned.
cant u bloody see im trying.
are u blind or what.
hate.
sad again.
again.
thanks to you.
you never fail to make me sad.
u r such a great friend.
i love you.

just got back. yawns.

this nicholas chung
asked me why i left church early
asked me why nv help him buy rice
then told me someone asked him to pass smthg to me
kept asking him, but he wouldnt reveal it.
kept me in suspense.

then at ard 10.30
asked me go up
pass me the gift
and i open it up
a bottle of stars
ugh.
a little grossed out
what era are u living in sir?
early 1990s?
perhaps im being mean here
i mean it was nice of that someone
i think i know who is it
but i wish it was the other one.
yeah. that man it is.
the.other.one.

not much time left.
yet im nt studying again.
went for brunch at Hawks place.
spaghetti.sausage.ham.wings.garlic bread.eggs.orange juice.yums.
thanks guys.
then went church for prac.
was in a foul mood
didnt wanna sing or play
in the end i played.
then had the music min gathering.
fun.laughs.joy.
then went for dinna with the girls.
kinda pissed by her
didnt understand why it muz be that way
damn.
but i was in the wrong too.
anyway
the other woman
replied my mail and also at the webbie
hmmm
now im confused again.

so once again, i havent study much
just 1 pathetic chapter of cma.
like that how?
encouraging to see pearl's blog
she looks forward to doing qt
and she enjoys it
me?
havent done it for ages.
sigh.
feel guilty.
but im stil not doing it.
God change me please.
please let me have a heart of desire for doing my qt.

i think i need to change
my character. my attitude. my tempers.
i should be saying things that build ppl up,
not tear them down.
sigh.
things are kinda bad
but im gonna let God take control
hope it just get better.
i think im getting cranky and crankier.
and i seem to crave for attention.
mann.
i need to be TRANSFORM!
hehs.
funny eh.
stop laughing you.
idiot.

this is post is gonna be a super long one
so please bear with it.
kinda zonked out

07/10
left at 8, went to hyatt at J.B
quite a nice place, but it was too businessy
so aud say no no
then we proceeded to Summerset Colonial resort
abt 3hrs drive fr s'pore
so was singing, reading, crapping in the car
reached there, and it was like a ghost town.
kinda creepy. not a single soul in sight.
then that dumb mary ghost joke kinda scare me
it was like a rainforest there
landscape was nt very nice, but think angmohs will like it there
very deserted
the rooms were ok, but the function rms were horrid.
hot, stinks, and the paint's peeling off
but we took a really 'nice' pic
will post it up soon
went to the sea area, saw a cricket
then nic used it to pretend to throw at dot
and guess what?
she C.R.I.E.D.
then drove out for dinner
dinner was great
then we walked ard to shop for some tidbits and satay
before heading bk to the resort
jus rotted in nic's rm and play daidee
nut much lah'
had a good sleep...

08/10
woke up, went for breakfast
and it was pathetic
but the ppl there treated us cuz we were supp to get a deal
for having camp nxt yr
so we had nasi lemak noodles omelette chipolata sausage hashbrowns toast. yums'
and my fav honey stars haha
then went swimming
super fun
learnt freestyle from nic
but still dun really noe how to swim ha
but had fun
a little burnt tho.
then drove bk to J.B,
was shopping the night away
bot my big hoop earrings
hehs.
everythg is so cheap there!

thanksgivings*
1) safe journey to and fro
2) prayed for rain to stop, and God answered it immediately.
3) good time of fellowship
4) a time of retreat

hmmm, she replied my mail.
eh now im ashamed.
very ashamed.

even wilfy visits the web
alamak, shall not post anythihg nxt time.

im confused.
totally confused.

so how now?
how, you tell me.

went for blaw tutorial today
as usual, boring.
went church to mug after that
but nothing much went into the head
haha...
too noisy at hm,
with all the renovations gg on downstairs
think i wil go crazy

gg off to m'sia tomo morning
so excited
like taking a break
but then suppose to be mugging for exams
but anyway, wil be back on fri lah
so not that bad
will try ta study in the car too!
haven pack my stuff yet, ugh.
hope tt God'll grant us journey mercies
and that we'll have a blessed stay there
bye peeps! take care... *winks

i wanna go MAMMA MIA!!! *grins*

so tired... jus fell asleep sitting on the sofa
sigh, nothing productive done again
test was flop
so many things i dont know haha...
gg away on thurs to m'sis with nic, aud, n dot
gonna go to recci nxt yr's campsite
staying at the hotel
they offer water sports there
hopfully can canoe?
haha but think its gonna be dangerous

thanks to all my friends who cared
and ask me why i was so sad
got over it!
am not gonna bother anymore
daughter1 cut her hair!
tot she look nice, demure, haha...
pukes...
looks like joey swee in the 9o'clock serial
hahahahahahhahahaha...

think gonna skip classes tmr
so tired, wanna sleep till late late
cant wait for thurs, yet feel tt i wont have time to study if i go away
but yet i want + definitely will go
hopeless...
exams so near, yet im still playing

*yawns*

i wrote her an email, and it went like this:

hey gal... whats up man... havent had heart to heart talk with you for a really long time. nv receive any smses from u at all for some time... realise u havent sat beside me during svc for quite some time also... are u like mad at me or smthg? or is it because of the kite-flying incident? the nonchalant reply fr me? its bothering me, that we seem nt as closed as before... noticed that u are like extremely busy nowadays... and you dont look as cheerful as u used to... perhaps u are too stressed out over all yr work etc?

saddens me very much really, that we both seem to distance ourselves... prob its just me being too sensitive. i don't know... things ok between u and him? u dont talk much abt him, so i guess and hope all's well...

anyway, i really, sincerely hope that we'll remain close, and let nothing ever jeopardise our friendship. may God's blessings be poured unto you in the week to come. take care..

before she could reply me, i went into our cell webbie and there was a reply from her to my question of "Does anybody cares? Where's everyone? sobs...and it says:

everyone seems mia, but they are around n they care, n u did a wonderful job with updating the site. my dear sister, it ain\'t our absence that matters, but what results fr our presence that matters (not alot too, haha..) i guess this cloak of cynicism to protect us fr disappointmt shd be shed cuz it\'s not helping. wat disappointment are we reali goint thru??tat\'s gotta stem fr asking ourselves wat do we want? a lot of hang out time? or quality time where everyone\'s eager to come n share out tots n feelings n pray 4 each other? watz the thermometer we are using to measure our frenship/fellowship? no. of hours tog? no. of activities tog? no. of jokes we share? in fact, can we honestly say our cellmtgs r satisfying n wat hv we done 2 make it so? am i disappointed? do i have to be? i think not. it's life. it's reality. to see u gals in church is heartening enough. i dun have to doubt or question if u gals care, cuz i know u all do. n so wat if u dun, i dun even myself to wander ttat dangerous zone to be disappointed. many times life n all itz suckiness obstruct us fr translating our love/concern into chirpy emails/sms/calls but does it reali matter IF we can look fwd to a warm sharing time on sunday? IF....anyway, jus shooting off here, dunno how to wrap up all these thoughts with sugary sweet language but heck, who reads?? n it's facts wat, hahaa... so jus feel free to shoot off whatever thoughts here cuz i guess we do care n maybe being face to face may hinder sharing? cuz we are all so timid/shy at heart. hahha........... adiosss wif luv.

jus saddened by this, and tears just start rolling down my cheeks. and as im writing this, the tears are still flowing... sigh... jus wrote her an email, telling her that answers all my questions.
im jus sad, really sad... why do things have to turn out this way? i hate myself, i hate everyone.

another one! groovy huh!

another pic of 2 chic women in our retro shades! thx for the pics, jess!

lizzie and me at Np Hill in our cool shades!

didnt have cell today
went to pizza hut at bk timah plaza with dot and suat
today was children's sunday @ church
the sunday sch's kiddies put up a few songs and dance
its sucha joy to watch all of them perform

still didnt sit beside me today
really dont know when that will ever end.
sigh.
now that we've talked abt her
i realise she wasnt as happy as she used to be
perhaps shes trying very hard
to balance everythg
kind of pity her
yet at the same time mad at her

felt terrible these few days
pmsing away.
exams are here soon
but im still doing nthg.
ugh.

had a nice brunch at Hawks place'
nice spaghetti sausage egg and bread
yums
went to church kaypoh for music prac
sort of help dot get on the track for keyboardist 2
ah bee kept saying im good enough for main keyboardist
but i doubt so
prayer mtg already freak me out
imagine playing for normal svc
need to coordinate with drummer bassist worship leader
sure gabra til jialat one
haha.
i know my own pattern

jam for a while then went oppo to walk walk with dots
wanted to get pressie for sm
but nothing much there
in the end i got those hp strap
which i was supposed to do cross-stitches on
the thread wasnt enough damn.
so i jus left it as it is
had extra thread of other colors
so i sewed her name on it.
so nice. kinda like it myself
but kept getting my fingers pricked

gonna play for canto svc tmr
so gotta wake up at 7 plus
nic picking me.
ugh. will be super tired.
aft that got cell, then wil go ppl's pk with dots hehheh.
gonna get shades, buttons etc etc!

Paradise was near, really near...

okok i changed skin again...
but its cos of the tagborad lah
today... worst day of 2004 i guess

went to church in the noon
was at the busstop waiting for 970
ppl were smoking
so i kept inhaling the disgusting smoke
waited for what seems eternity for the bus
and when the bus came
i felt totally weak.
legs were wobbly, hands were numb
things were fading in color
stomach cramp was unbearable
but i forced myself up the bus
was really uncomfortable
couldnt sit still
felt very cold
but yet i was sweating
but the beads of sweat were cold too
so scared
i just felt terrible
felt like i was so helpless
and that i was dying soon
finally reached hv.
told myself no matter what
i had to make my way to church
the journey seems exceptionally long
it took ages for me to get there
had to cover my lips with tissue paper
cuz i knew it'd have gone all white
and i was right.
it had been a long time since i last felt like this
so scared and frightened
but i kept praying
i said God please stop the pain
please let me be ok soon
but the pain didnt subside.
then went up to church office
went straight to counselling rm to lie down on the sofa
couldnt take it
the cramps were really unbearable
i was jus lying on the sofa
with my hands clutched to my stomah
kept curling my body up
it was really scary
and i had to inhale real deeply
to breathe normally
the pain was on and off
but the it was off for just a few sec
didnt want to call for their help
so i jus felt that i needed to talk to my mum
rang my mum and told her what happen
jus started telling her
and hot tears rolled down my cheeks
i felt really helpless and scared
my mama was worried sick
and she kept asking if she needed to come pick me hm or not
must have scared her as well
aft that she called pastor phoebe
which was funny
cuz she didnt know i was in church
anyway aft that i just went out
and asked Aud if she gt any painkillers
took 2 panadols
and the pain went away
the panadols were like elixirs

aft that felt so much better
and was back to normal
frightened myself so much
guess dominique was shocked too
kept asking if i was ok
really nice of him
sigh...
sometimes i wonder if God listens at all
sigh...
then i called my mama again
to tell her i was alright already
and i started crying again.
thank God for giving me a mum.
really thank Him for that.
i jus felt really relieved when i hear her voice
and that she asked me to keep praying
its reall great to have parents who are christians
u'll feel the joy really
that we all share the same faith
and that we can trust in Him tog
it was tough for me today
felt that God wasnt there
and that He was like making me suffer
was kind of angry
angry Him for not curing me
but i hope He'll forgive me.

was so happy when i got back to normal mode
chatted with aud
then went out for dinna with
dot, suat, dom, nic n aud
after that was prayer mtg

went out for supper
drive to many places
6th ave, Adam rd hawker centre, Holland
before settling down at Fong Seng Cheese prata
at west coast area
had egg prata and horlicks.
yums.
then got hm at 1.
mayb gonna go church kaypoh tmr.
if not wil stay hm.
mayb wil got hawks place for the breakfast spread tmr morn
provided i can wake up.
hehs.