ok. its clear that the weekend have yet to be eradicated fr my mind. practically lost as i sit in front of the pc this morning. just dont want to do anythg! boo*

bumped into lizzie the other nite, felt so gd to see old faces again, after like half a yr or so. and there she told me abt her blog add.. seems like shes living life on the edge, all the partying! but smhw theres a tinge of melancholic feel in all of her post. infact its quite saddening la, felt as tho she doesnt have much of a clue whats happening in her life, and that everythg is like a whirlwind ard her. ohwells, nt that i know what i want to get out of life, but anyway, im glad we're mtg up real soon. its time for an update. from both of them. for they were inevitable in my life during poly days. thats why i chose to hold on despite times of weariness or simply when i cannot be bothered.

hate all the scandals in church!! yikes. making my goosebumps surface time n again. eeky. what everybody's doing jus make me cringe. and i really dislike it. mayb. mayb its time for a change. mayb i wil be doing better in sm other church? i dont know. am nt really growing in sjc anyway. then again, its my own fault la, no one to blame. sigh.

fashion nowadays is getting ridiculous. all the plunging necklines.. omg.. everywhr i see on pictorials all models revealing more and more cleavage. why is sexiness always defined with skimpicity? (my own creation, haha) dont really get it.. but sure the world has fallen, and is getting from bad to worse each day. and i can only sigh and pray that i dont fall into the trap of it. so many desires, temptations each day. guess it takes a strong will to turn from it all.

its monday. and i sure dont like it.

its FRRRRRRRRRIDAYYYYYYYYY!!! can i get any happier? nahnah. hahaaa..

have been a train of events thus far, out almost every other day, and my nest is smwhat turning into a hotel! only spent like 7 hrs there for slumber, and use the loo. HAHA. didnt even get any chance to pack my room, or talk to my mama! boo*

dinner with j, dessert with turbs, schweeet, came to pick me up fr town! haaaa. know i can always depend on her. the supper escapades, and shopping! the bday celebs!

so its rest time tmr, since ive gt no music prac! woohoo! gonna catch up on my sleep, tidy up my sty, do my christmas list.. wheee...! but am broke. if only i'd get my paycheque soon.bleah.

and i wanna get madrid bronze before they upp the price! need to hunt for ppl to buy birks again.boo.

and dec is gonna be so exciting cos its CHRISTMAS soon! wheeee~! and im gonna go straighten my hairrrrr!

singapore discovery centre was a tad boring.boo. so much for anticipating the simulator ride. and the iwerks movie was super sianing.bleah.

anyway whatever P said that night was bothering me. why is it that if i dont have a boyfriend, and im really close to a girlfren, and that equates that we're lesbians? wtf. am so pissed. AND in the first place, from where did u get the conclusion that we're even close?? i didnt even fking talk to u since like dinosaurs were still ard? sigh. u're making me disgusted can. pui. dont u dare cast a judgement on me when u aint even PERFECT.

it was gd to see charm n moon! lunch tog with turbs n the 2 girls.. and boy did they gang up to make fun of me!! bleah. haaa..jus laugh my head off. then choir prac was eeks la. o'holy nite is driving us up the wall. and seeing the disgusting ppl's face jus make me wanna puke all over them. just hate ppl who try to hard to be different. and hate those who try so hard just to hope others will notice them and like them. to hell with it.

what a post filled with vengeance and hatred. LOL.

and worstill the stupid job!! asking me to make the decision, and prolly backstabbing in the back? hell. cant wait to get outta here already. want to have a break!! want to go shop for christmas pressies. boo.

anw, eventful wkend to boot. caught happy feet. courtesy of nick.. anw, nought much, perhaps more of a musical.haaaa. back to work. yawns.

its tuesday. boo. had a hard time getting up from bed. hate early mornings. unless its for fun. otherwise, we shd start the day from noon. bleah.

and xxx have nt get what i taught her into her head yet! its the 3rd day already, and she still doesnt know the ropes well.. ugh. sure hope she wil pick up speed. else she will be eliminated!! then again, i took a rather long time to get things gg. so there, i oughta be more patient. God gimme strength pls!

guess nt heading sim for the time being. til i can sort out my thoughts and get a clearer picture of where i shd head. at least i can slowly sit thru and think. and i thank God for understanding parents who nv fail to support me. tho when my mama ask me to think abt my future, she prolly implied that i shd do smthg that makes money, and nt what i like. i dunno. anw, its nice to know that there are those who care. appreciate it. (:

im boredddddd. cant wait to get outta here.

twin whipped up a nt-too-bad dinner for her family on fri cos of her mamas bday! so schweet. hehs. and im invited too! quite a cosy affair la, having dinna with the ones u loved. tho as usual i felt extra. hehs. cant help it la!

cruise ard town area on saturday with twin behind the wheel. gt the supplies fr art fren to paint mei's mirror. gt basil green pretty pretty! but gt the car scratched cos of bloody chaonehnehs. super zonked out aft the waiting btw each coats n all the varnishing. boo. left the putting up of flowers on the mirror. wonder when we'll have the time to get it done! hmmm.

the to study/nt to study issue is tormenting me like theres nt tmr. sigh. and the deadline to reply sim is like tmr, else i gotta wait for like another 1/2 a year. but guess im nt gonna rush into it, since a whopping 20k is involve. ugh. dont want to be bothered abt it until aft christmas. i want a carefree christmas!!! haa.

town ytd alone in the early noon cos of the stupid bastard. if he werent there, i would have had a gd lunch with my pops. screw u idiot. so i went shopping alone in orchard but lucky dajia came to my rescue! else i'd have died of boredom. but she took solong to come. sobs. but at least she came!! hehs. love her to bits. but i just made her upset again with my stupid words emitting fr my smelly mouth. boo.

its so bored it here. another 3 hours to kill before home sweet home. sians.

ive crossed the limits this time. period. nv intended things to end up this way. keep emitting hurtful words fr my mouth, so sharp they cut. sigh. time and again i hurt the ones i love. i break promises which i have initiated. i lose the trust that others have in me. regardless of how many times i say sorry, i know there will always be this crack deep down. give me another chance, and i swear i would hv never said such stuff..

but smtimes i wish u would let the good rule over the bad, and look at the gd sides instead. but of cos i dont do good jus so that when i do bad, all will be covered up. NO. no strings attached at all. perhaps u shd be given time to think thru bout this frenship, whether if it shd be kept. for i am uncertain of whr we shd go fr nw. im a bad fren to keep. sigh. oh wells. hope all will turn out well and God make me a better person. im disgusted by my own actions. eeks.

anyway, it was a pretty much difficult night for me before. woke up before my alarm rang this morning. super early for work. which is gd in a way. its gg to be a busy day since both are nt ard to help me. shall wallow in self pity and perhaps die in C&C.

for once, i am NOT suffering from monday blues! cos perhaps the wkend was gd enuff. hehs.

girls nite out with gracie and dottie on fri. had dinna tog and jus laughed at silly things. tho it felt strangely weird at certain times. oh wells. im glad at least we all made the effort to come together and cast all our differences aside. im glad.

slumber at twins place on fri, went to get the awfully banana choc cake in the morn for mama's bday celeb.then invited twin n mei over for steak, cos dad's cooking! and i was glad they enjoyed the simple fare. haaaa! think my mama was quite happy la, so many ppl celeb for her. tho it was kinda funny that i invited my frens over, as if it was my bday. haa but nvm la, the girls were a bunch of lovelies anyway! acc turbs to work aft tt, and boy was mango hilarious! nice fren to keep la, since he's almost as sampat as a girl, or prolly even more sampat than turbs n myself.

sunday.. had choir prac and it was a disaster!!! didnt even know what the hell they were singing, had so much difficulty. but thank God for the cd, at least i can practice to it now. afterwards had tea with old peeps and finally the question arise -" where should we finally go?" HAHA. sigh. nt much cell choices to begin with anyway. its either to joshua, to the adult zone, or stay rooted in elijah. nt as if the other sound good. ugh. dunno la.

anyway, its 647, and im stil in the office, nt knowing where to head. well done! haaaa. til then, laters~!

feeling super lousy ytd, cos of the stupid laselle shit. sigh. hate it when i dunno where to head, where blurred visions of what i want to do arise time n again. so... i took half day off to do some retail therapy. and a hell lot of retail therapy. total damage was bout 200 inclusive on the stuff i got on tues! but im happy. super happy. gt my kiss n tell bra from women's secret, green velvety bag from assesorize, tank from mango, nalgene bottle, 3/4s jeans, tank top, and belt from dorothy perkins! woohoo. and then gt the photo album e other day, plus the mini earrings chest plus my secret stash too!! am over the moon. but just wondering how im gonna tide thru the whole of this mth with christmas round the corner. madness!! gotta scrimp and save, cos the bacon i bring home is really peanuts.

just gt acceptance letter fr sim, wondering if its the place i shd head. really appreciate all the comments fr loved ones. thankful to all for enlightening me. i feel encouraged and loved. esp to the one who called and ask so many qns regarding the grant on my behalf. simply taking initiative for i didnt even ask her to do so. oh wells. im super touched la.

anyway, was shopping alone, cos was so depress i had to do sm retail therapy. and thank God i bumped into fish n mag, and they acc me! or rather, i acc them. hahaha.. makes me feel like im nt left alone in the world. God is good. so thankful for all the little things. jus like the new temp girl felicia too. at least i have smone to work with nw, nt in the little world where i have to do everythg alone. hehs.

feeling good now. and best of all, its FRIDAY tmr! *woots

i am suffering from monday blues. i need to see a depression doctor. or a shrink. every wk it'll take its toil on me.

spent wkend at turbs house. again. acc twin to work on sat, and to our shock and disbelief, mei was there. HAHA. and she seems to be acting a little weird. perhaps feeling green that i was there with twin, even on fri. hehs. oops. but nvm, im lurving it. anw, she jus let me see the vast diff btw bestie and her. incomparable that is. and im so glad i chose the right one. one who was there all the time irregardless of what happened. thank God for that. oh well. nt to say that she's horrid and all. of cos she's nice at times, but just nt enough, and nt the way it shd be when dealing with me.
dinner in town then drove bk home to get clothes for church, then bk to babe's house. and the journey was horrifying!!! sobs. i gt a bad shock. i probably cause it myself, but anw, all's well and im thankful for that. think im pmsing. jus hope that i'll get a grip of myself and stop being all mean and nasty to others. i feel lousy. but yet when i do it, emotions run dry. i need to die and disappear la.

caught oh in ohio ytd, quite a spastic show, orgasmic comedy! wakaka.. walk ard ps, had our dinner before heading back home.

i think i have the silliest fren in the whole world. all the retarded antics cmg fr her are gonna keep me gg for the rest of the wk. and running together aft being 'followed' by the bangladesh was fk funny.love it.love dajia.

am down with gastric flu plus running a fever, but am so much better now. guess can go back to work tmr! has been 2 gd days of resting at home, and replenishing my sleep. simply weary cos of mon n tues.. and the frantic rush at work was driving us bonkers.

turbs gt temp job at mei's office.. smhw feel that ive gotten her into the shit.oops. cos usually i wouldnt have replied in such a manner. how weird. sigh. hopefully these 10 days will flash past.

just checkd out the laselle site again.. seems a little confusing for me to understand. sigh. really hate it when i dunno what to do nxt. perhaps i wont be happy at rmit, but the future seems more secure and safe. laselle will be fun yes, but what kinda future wil it bring me? and the portfolio plus interview shit is already scaring the shit out of me. sigh. hate making decisions. if only God will show me how..

anw.. i didnt expect a call fr him at all. it was sweet tho. ohwells. you're my number 1 bitch. how nice. thanks ah. hahaaa.

friday!! yippee yippeeeee~! woots.

had popeye's chicken at T1 with twinnie ytd! yummy. but i sure hate the sucky attitude of the staff. eeks. and then we went to the secret hideout again. but didnt catch as much action pack like the previous time. still, we had a good laugh, nt cos of them but cos of our silly antics. wahahaa.. those ppl are sure scandalous! hehheh. so funs.

anw. its so busy in here. am jus glad and thankful that fri is here to welcome me with open arms.

today is thursday. riggght. which means tmr is friday!!! how happy. and theres hari raya nxt tues! no work! woohoo. if only.. if only i could take leave on monday, then i'll die happy. but its impossible. bleah.

asked for time to sort out my thoughts, and at the same time try to figure out where i shd stand.

discispleship was sigh. that bastard is really driving me up the wall. and i hate the bitch and her bf's laughter. fucking disgusting i tell u. really hate her. eeks. ok i know i wil go back and repent tonight. anyway, twin drove me back home yester and her car died while we were at the carpark! scary. but with out wits we managed to open the front up. apparently battery was low or smthg. luckily she was able to start the car and get gg all the way till she reached home. henggahlaosai!

the conspiracy is gettng more and more intense. ugh. scary can! sigh. and smhow im involved in it. hate politics! eeks. cant everybody jus like everybody else. but i sure hope all will be fine. asked me out umpteenth times but each time i turn it down cos i got other engagements. hmmm. then again. u aint the one.

saw a pair of really nice birks on footshopping that i like. but problem is its black again. but i sure love it! iwant it!!!

ok i typed out a super long post, but my fucking knee had to hit the shut down button. fuck fuck fuck.

sigh. it has been ages since i last sob so hard. i almost didnt believe myself. and to think it was over such trivial matters. but i really havent feel so pain and hurt for a long time. silly thoughts i know. just wish that i will get over it. guess its times like this that i learn to grow to be tougher. nothing is reciprocal. and i can finally comprehend how it is better to be loved than to love. hee. sadder but much smarter! wheee.

almost went berserk earlier on. was simply containing all the hurt and pain in my heart, and there was this tiny voice telling me to jus burst out in tears. hahaha silly can! but i held back. but almost couldnt take it on the bus back. had to alight and hail a cab home. remained composed, didnt want to scare the uncle, so jus silent tears. then back home and i bawled my eyes out, weeping buckets. 2 times! hee. keep triggering me off. sigh. but it sure feels gd to let loose yr emotions. i know its silly to harbour such bad thoughts. 1 word, childish. really need to grow out of it. im so hopelsss. mayb like what he said i shd jus jump down and leave him some possessions. eeeeeeddddeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrtttttttttttttt.

eeks. i feel bloody ashame of myself. but i cant help it either. hais. wonder when all these shit will ever come to an end. but i guess ive learnt to conceal my emotions really well. am proud of myself. hee. i realise its a matter of how i choose to conceal it. and i guess i displayed it well! it aint easy i tell u. nv easy. smtimes i wish life would give me a break. im only 20. and theres so much shit i have to go thru. perhaps its time my life be taken away from me. and if im lucky enough, God will fetch me up to heaven.

nt too bad a wkend. jek came over for slumberthon on sat, and me to her place on sun. breakthru cos i went for dinner at banana leaf with her famileeee. am so proud of myself cos actually i was bloody scared la. but it turned out to be great! it was crazy to see all the nehnehs pacing the streets, gathering in grps, as tho waiting for performance. scary! we were like the minorities can. anyway, had authentic indian cuisine, the the amount of rice they pile on our banana leaves were horrendous! i think its enough to feed a whole herd of pigs. kid u nt!

this morn as i was taking bus to work, suddenly thought abt my registration for biz mgmt at SIM. i had second thoughts about it. wth. sigh. this is so sad. and im looking into LASALLE nw. ahhhh. madness. communication design sounds damn cool n gd can! and these are the careers i can look into >> Advertising Designer, Art Director, Copywriter, Creative Designer, Design Educator, Graphic Designer, Illustrator, Layout Artist, Packaging Designer, Photographer, Production Artist for print/radio/TV, Typographer and Web Designer.a and if i choose advertising design, it will be >> Creative Designers, Art Directors, Copywriters, Production or Freelance Artists for print, TV and radio, our graduates focus on establishing themselves as creative communicators capable of formulating carefully planned strategies and concepts expressed in traditional and new media.

i want all those listed above! they seem so much more appetizing than business management-marketing isnt it? sigh. im so screwed la. really need to figure out my life soon. i havent got too much time left.

woke up feeling lost. wished i could sleep more. envious of ah jek who wil prolly wake up in the late morn. sigh. sitting at my desk now stoning. eyes are hurting, tired from all. and am sneezing n wheezing away. ugh. i dont want the bug bugging me. sickening.

discipleship was a-okay last night. thankfully nt as disastrous as when we first started out. guess he already knew our pattern. sigh. just hope it gets better, and that stupid ppl will stop spouting nonsense. keep their mouth shut, and all will be on cloud9.

i gotta wear pink on sunday so that joshua might wanna be friends with me. haahahaha damn hilarious. and jek gotta wear black so that she might be classified as suemay's fren instead. like how cute is that.

i wanna like go home and zzz now.

eventful night earlier. well, i must say there's a lot more i need to do. smtimes im totally clueless abt my own identity. ive lost it. and i disappoint ppl ard me. perhaps theres so much more expected of me. sigh. im really confused, perplexed and all. life is a paradox isnt it. but i wonder why such harshness have to be thrown at me time n again. hurt, yes i am. i wont deny it. but i'll def try to make it a better one. cos i cherish and treasure it so much. hold it so close to my heart. no way am i gonna let any other jeopardise it. but smhow im really afraid of losing it all. sobs.

daily scoop last nite. followed by ecp carpark with jek to check out all the couples who were hanky pankying in the cars. super scandalous n farnie laa. laugh til drop. then had supps at geylang. no hookers peeping this time. journey back home was ...

slept at 2, woke at 7, super shagged nw. if only i can go home nw and lie in the comfort of my bed. zzz... skipped lunch, hoping to catch a wink, but guess nt much time. ugh. busy peasy. bleah.

To begin with, weekend was awesome! Absolutely awesome. And I really thank God for that. Seems like I always enjoy my weekends. Hehs

Satty…

Music practice was as usual, ahem. With the screw ups and getting all flustered cos unable to play well. Sigh. Hated it. Simply wish I could play super well and not have to bother with the fill-ins or complicated chords. That aside, TSK was having a potluck over at Karina’s house. All couples except for twinnie and me, felt EXTRA as usual la. Perhaps they shd take us out from the membership. HAHA. So we ended up being babysitters! Thaddeus is like damn cute n chubby, 10mths old but his face seems on par with his maid’s already. Kakakka. And Joshua is uber cute too. We brought jap curry, sushi fillings and shitake… thanks to yati for her help, else we wouldn’t have make it.

Sunddy…

So called youth leaders mtg with the rest early in the morning at 9. eeks. Had to like share and update abt out lives and all, and prayer needs, thanksgivings etc. and as USUAL, my heart will start to beat twice as fast when its gonna be my turn to share. Just cannot comprehend why I cannot be myself and share freely. Perhaps im really afraid of how others will judge me. Anw, they always have such politically correct answers that im so sick of em. And most of the time, they CONTRADICT themselves. Bleah. Ok fine, nobody’s perfect I know, but why cant everyone be like me?! Then all will be peaches and cream! Wahahaaa..

Went out with my ah jek to town to meet mama n frens. Its nice to see old faces again aft like 7 yrs or so. Even though we spent less than 10 mins tog, its already enough. Then got down to Queensway to get my miss lala specs for sch! Gonna keep my fingers crossed that I’ve never lose it! Cos the previous 2 have all gone missings. Sobsobs. In the night went to celeb sue’s bday. Surprise again, jus like last year, this time with an additional member – ah jek!

Anyway.. its good to see Joshua opening up to us, willing to play and talk with us. Seems pretty much a quiet boy who always stick to his mama, but not so much now. Hehs. and I love chip+sue’s house! So nice and cozy. And I like them as a family. Simple n nice people, not pretentious or anythg. N when sue told us that they had her bday lunch at a hawker centre, I came to realize that we don’t have to spend lots of money to feel happy, to feel loved, because its always the people around us that make things special. (:

Spent 200 bucks since fri. ugh. Heartpain. Got the dkny be delicious perfume. Wheee. Ah jek gt the miniature. Which is like damn cute. I want too. Got my lala specs done. And got a jacket on fri. wheee. Retail therapy rocks! But time to start saving up already. Back to work means back to scrimping and saving.

i gt lotsa zits emerging from my face. isnt that sad. hais. gonna get busy as of nxt wk. anyway, wenjun brought me cocolatte! awww. how sweet. hehhehs. i would prefer bird's nest tho, nt coffee from a free dispenser in the pantry. cheapskate. hahahaaa kidding.

bought durian n peach strudel fr renald's for the Soos ytd. am glad they like it. thot i had better bring smthg since i always dine at their place! haaa. i know. im sweet n thoughtful. i know i know i know. but i ended up eating more than they did. so much more. but i likeee.

anyway, i live by my own standards. and nobody can ever change that.

i wanna eat popeyes chicken!!! like now. grrrr.

and my pops are cmg back tonight, like finally! then again, these 5 days passed by so fast! i miss em! and im jus glad that they wil be back tonight. pray for journey mercies*

after hibernating in slumberland for sucha long time, it sure suck to be back at work.

3 full days of living with twinnie. i knew it was never gonna be easy. problems arise when we're too close. and smtimes i choose to let the differences btw us embed my heart n mind, and i end up feeling so wretched. lots of tolerance. tolerance for nonsense, occasional cold wars, silly squabbles. but of cos there were happy times too. all the laughing that shook the house down, the silly dancing antics, the girl talk till the break of dawn, the feasting, or even saying grace tog. that i really like. hehs. am just gonna try my best to speak my mind!. anw, the 3 days were filled with many adventures! taking the citybuzz bus to the esplanade, driving to mustafa, dimsum buffet, movie, grocery shopping for TSK. splendid time spent. guess i need to learn to cast our differences aside, and instead to apprec the other even more, for it aint easy to be such close frens isnt it. i mean like just how many come and stay in yr life for sucha long time and promise to stick ard. nt much i guess. thats y im thankful for babe! w/o her, i'll prolly be roaming the streets nw. ups n downs, she have been there, and i believe always will.

and ... TSK is driving us bonkers. so much for everyone cooking and bringing smthg nice so that we all can enjoy n fellowship tog. like reeeeeel. gimme a break n cut me some slack pls.

mei's wedding wasnt a too happy affair for all of us. guess we were all stressed out by the perf, and i was so damn bogged down by the damn dress. hais. but glad that mei stil enjoyed it, despite it being a disaster! but anyway, sad to say, didnt really enjoy it. everythg seemed so tensed. there was this uncomfortable n deafening silence. ... guessed the church wedding was def better! hehheh.

wish i was zzzing at 15 watten drive nw with twin instead even tho i have to face the wide open mouth with drool hanging down by the sides, and the weird noises. i dont mind trading my work for that. haaaaaaaaa. til then~!

cant get to sleep, so thot mayb i can jus let in a bit of nonsense here and perhaps fall into deep slumber soon after.

perhaps we all have dreams afterall. wanting to do things that gives us a feeling of lavished exuberance. but of cos along comes inhibitions. so often that these dreams start to fade away, leaving behind traces of broken hopes. smtimes i wish for things that seem seemingly impossible to fetch.

i need to once again be reminded that all are made in different manners, and learn to care less abt things that will make me unhappy.

sigh. guess they call it pms. smtimes, i wish i hadnt know so much, and most importantly, think so much. oh wells, ranting off the wall again.

...

have been staying put at twinnie's place for the week. pops have gone out of town, leaving me to die in singapore alone. haaahaaa. feel so bad cos she might have to miss gatherings cos of me. yet again.sigh. i prove to be trouble. eeks.