wheee got lotsa really nice compliments abt my hair and boy am i loving it!

twinnie is back from china since last mon. woohoo. no more loneliness. and its here birthday, so HAPPIEEEEEEEEE BIRTHDAYYYYYYYY LOVEEEEEEEE! hope we'll have a blast together today eh! heehee. got a helium balloon, a fat red rose, a cake from the patisserie,sadly no passionfruit meringe, and a girlfrens book i made for her. haha i love all i did. ROFL.

got acceptance from sim biz mtkg, but the other, unisim, only offered me a place for their nxt intake in july 08. am at a lost now. really have no idea what i shd do. sigh. smtimes i wish i need nt make so many major decisions in life. seems like the future is really obscure. hais. hate that feeling. eeks. if only God will give me a really clear sign. time's running out too. church camp's like 1 wk later, and sadly, i am not at all excited about it. weird as it may seems but yup, no special feelings. infact i aint even sure if i wanna go. and the farnie thing is i have yet to pay up yet! ahhaha.

wondering if i shd take up mktg, or go wk and wait for unisim. sigh.

got another 2 surprises from bestie! haha. first it was the letter which she mailed me from changi airport! wheee. so touched i started tearing haha emo me. cos she remembered that im envious of the fact that she always has letters but not me! wahaha, so surprise surprise again! keke. what more can i ask from a friend like her. and secondly she sent me a ecard! another surprise! haaha cos i didnt expect her to be able to go online, perhaps biz ctr at hotel or smthg. anyways, am looking forward to have her back with me. her company sure beats everything.

and asking certain ppl for help is like - blood inducing. bleah. smtimes i wish u were less intimidating and more helpful! sigh. no one is perfect i guess. and the jerk! i nv once assumed we were anything, just what makes u think that others will wanna go out with u? stupid mcp. puiiii.

had insomnia the night before, prolly cos of the cup of green tea i had 1.5 hrs prior to sleep. so in the end i slept at 2, woke at 5.45am and slept again at 12.30pm and up at 2plus to have lunch. def feel groggy now, bleah. gonna cut hair tmr! excited! woots. just hope and pray that it doesnt turn out too disastrous or smthg. *fingers crossed pls*

d®t to me

yo twinnieee babe..! i know im gonna miss ya soooo soooooo muchhhie... and u gonna miss me toooo hehs sooo tot i'd drop u an email as a little SURPRISE !!!! keke. u know i always hav a penchant for surprises yae. wheeeeeeeeee...!!!

always had fun with u love. all the time can. every single moment, despite occasional ups and downs. all the silly antics we hav, laughing hysterically at each other kukus stunts, my "intentionally awful" singing+harmonising (im for real its intentionally awful, i sing much betta than i put across can), always wanna go tanning but rain/cloudy, and when we finally did so we suntan till we get back redness+sore+ache+itch, going new and almost never intended places tog, being there for each other thru tears and pain. i vividly rem tt day where we weeped so heartwrenchingly in my room, my attic. just pains me can, whenever i think of it. but we know yah tt ultimately nothing's gonna get both of us down, or tear us apart, break us up, nope NOTHING !!! we shall stick stick STICK with each other thru thick and thin k. i know sometimes its difficult to tolerate with my incessant ramblings and yet not appear irritated or pek chek else i grumble and make noise again. wahhhaha. thanks for understanding, thanks so much for trying dearie. i know and i can definitely sense tt u are trying alot. MUACKKSSS!!!

totally appreciate u for all u have done for me. all in all, i just wanna say u play a mega huge part in my life! without u, i dun know how i cld hav survived especially the past year. sigh tears are welling up in my eyes. so much intense feelings yet i cant put it down exactly into words, but u know how i feel and what i mean yes darling twin? our psychic powers! tho i always say things to hurt u intentionally or unintentionally, pls forgive me wont u love. sometimes in the fit of anger i just dun know wat im doing anymore. and i may claim tt we were only close since yest, but in my heart it has been forever can, i dun even know since when i regarded u as best fren, but it sure has been a long loooong time. yes i may not appear to really cherish this friendship more than u do, but trust me i do cherish it every single bit of it, every moment spent tog.

babe, lets treat this one week break as "absence makes the heart grow fonder" (and literally distance too). and we'll look forward to MORE fun times tog coming up in june !!!! hee. im EXCITED, cant wait, having ur company and experiencing more new things tog. thrills my heart already. take care darling benben, be wise and take good care of urself k. im gonna be soooo missing u for sure. will be praying for ur safety and ur parent's trip to china too. stay healthy. be happpy too. eat proper meals promptly. wait for my phone callss.....!!!!!!! LOVELOVE, HUGS and french KISSESSSSsss

received the above email from bestie before she departed for bj on sun! such a lovely email just make my day! wheee. hee am so thankful that i have such a great friend/sister in my life.

kukus sim have yet to get back to me regarding my posting. it had better come soon grrrr.! twin's bday cmg up and i have no idea what to get for her! worstill, im a pauper now. ugh. and 1 more mth to my bday, boy am i excited! wheeee. hahahaha.

am getting busy with perf on 27th, hope the elijahs will just come have fun and make it a blast, and i'd be really happy! hehs.

spent almost half the week at bestie's place, since shes gg off to beijing soon. went swimming, movies, fixed our perf stuff which is pretty much driving me insane. come sunday morn she'll be off to beijing boo. anyways, am scared w/o her ard. sians. latr stupid ppl will bombard me with stupid qns and im left to fend for myself. ugh. nvm i shall look on the brighter side of life.

period is finally here, boy am i happy. just hope it the nxt cycle wouldnt fall in church camp/missions. wheee pms will be gonee soon and i wont do any more silly stunts to upset u and me! was scary that night. bawling our eyes out. eeks. i hope it doesnt happen again. sigh. feel so wretched for making things turn out like this all the time.

right now im worried abt nxt sat n sun night. dont like to be home alone! sobs. i need company. badly.

and we're like 2 lobsters now. burnt.bleah.

the dislike for certain ppl in church have been growing stronger, and i can never seem to put a halt to that. and the way certain ppl do things too. making my blood boil and my blood pressure rocket. damnit. know i aint perfect, but i just wish that others will try harder to be nicer and less fake or act less superior and all. afterall, we're all created equal right, so why wanna distinguish yrself so that the attention falls on u?? bleah.

anw, bestie's gg beijing on 13-20th with her pops. and yes i am jealous!! and she knows it. sigh. know i havent been a good pal, since im always envious bout what she gets but i guess the grass is always greener at the other side. but anw if u do happen to see this, im sorrieee babe. i'll learn to get over it k, no worries. (: that aside, my parents are gg china too! hais. from 19-25, so yes i'll be stuck in sgp alone btw 19-20th, sleeping in a lonely home. hais. if only smone will take me in. mayb i'll go bunk at smone's place or smthg. boo.

guess im kinda disappointed that she didnt ask us along for her mini 21st celeb with her other pals. but i presume that we wouldnt go anyway. nevertheless still the tinge of sadness which can be rather overwhelming. haha guess we aint that important to her afterall.

im desperate to go for a holiday. hais. but all i get is malaysia. *roll eyes. how interesting eh. if only i'd win in some lunky draw or smthg. i wish i wish i wish... mayb i shd tell the whole world that i would like to have a trip to italy for my 21st or smthg? then they may try fulfill it for me...! wheee. hahaha ok thats impossibly impossible. ohwells, if only dreams will come true.

been 2 weeks since i last updated, equating to a fortnight, amounting to half a mth.

finding myself caught up in the bk the family way by tony parson. totally lost and trapped in it. in a way that book's really inspiring and takes me to another world altogether.

bcos i have nothing much that i have to update on, i shall do a thanksgiving list.

1. i thank God for a loving set of parents. that is smthg which i think God has truly blessed me with, cos i believe my parents are very much in love with one another.

2. i thank God for the people He had planted in my life. whether they had stay or chose to move on, the difference they made to my life will forever be cherished.

3. i thank God for not making me a very rich girl, so that i learn the value of being thrifty, and finding joy in cheap thrills.

4. i thank God for creating me to be plump so that i dont dress skimpily or bitchily haha

5. i thank God that i can sing in tune and that im nt tone deaf (contribution by twin)

6. i thank God that i can serve him in the music ministry and the piano skills He had bestowed on me. (learning to play via chords, and no longer looking at the scores.)

7. i thank God for my room which i absolutely love

8. i thank God for twinnieeeee for being there for me all the time, be it happy or sad times

9. i thank God that im a girl so i can escape NS! haha. but the menses part suck big time.

10. i thank God for choosing me to be His child! tho i aint exactly a good girl, i'll try hard to behave to be more pleasing in His eyes. (:

on another note, my 21st is coming! haha im bloody excited!!! but nah, im nt expecting anythg. just wanna spend a day with myself and do happy things. wheee~!

period came and gone. well, almost. i am one happy girl now.

it has been a wk of scouting for beads with dino. nt an easy task, in fact its driving both of us up the wall. ugh. combed the whole of chinatown, bras basah, and jalan sultan, with many surprises and cheap thrills coming alongside with us..! just want to get it done soon. really hope u will just tell us how to get it done instead of being so vague and all. fyi, nt wking doesnt exactly mean that we're so darn free to get these stuff done alright. grrrr.

im so looking forward to my 21st. i must be mad. yet i know there wont be any major celebrations or such. i guess its just a day when i feel that the whole world shd just revolve ard me! a day whereby i get special treatment from loveeed ones. HAHA. ohwells. wake up.

tt aside, i feeel really useless for bumming ard for sucha long time, close to 4mths.. mama have been nice enough to give me a cheque. i didnt see it coming at all, but yes she is generous, tho its nt a hefty sum. but enough to last me a wk or 2. haha.. papa has been pretty nice too la, as usual. but im really beginning to feel bad. yet i cant be bothered to look for a job. grrr.

and the outcome of sch will only be made known to me nxt mth. sians. wondering what i'll get. sigh. i really hope my decisions and everythg will be what God wants me to do and not otherwise.

whoa. so much had happened since i last updated... was the holy week, so theres maundy thurs, good fri, and easter.. didnt expect myself to weep buckets cos dino and i were still sayiing that others were getting emo. well at least not until she came over and gave us both a hug. so sad. but i really do apprec the fact that shes taking initiative and all, plus it shows she still very much treasures this friendship. seems like there this invisible wall ever since the cell gt dismissed. dont exactly know how to go about saying it, but just kinda sad.

new cell aint too bad. at least we feel more involved nowadays, with the mentors and mentees. ohwells. kinda mixed feelings. but i still dislike certain ppl, doubt it will ever go away. sigh. wondering how i can ever break out of it. hate the fact that he's showing scant respect for others. gross.

attended ethan n bryans bday party over at the madeira on fri. nthg much i would say, just swimming in the pool, eating and cutting. if there aint the swimming pool, the partys gonna much be a boring one. brought along charmaine n mooncher.. and the two imps came over to stay over at my place with dinosaur. had a blast! the laughters were insane. kept laughing and laughing at the nippies. those u get at topshop to put on when putting on a bik so u wouldnt see the nip. haaa and the girls thot is was some jelly. was a riot! hilarioussss.

its scouting for beads later at chinatown with twinnieeee. hope i'll get smthg frutiful done. really dont wanna bum ard anymore!

contemplating whether to go for mini mission in jb with the youths. cos we'll cm back only on the 16th - my big day! haha.

we won all 3 games at paintball today, emerged as champion but apparently nobody cared. HAHA. just wondering how much bragging and boasting there would be if it was somebody else. anw, kudos to my teammates, tho none wil see this --> uncle henry, xiao wei, james, dorothy! u guys rock! beginning of the game was like yucky. hated it cos of the smelly mask, heavy vest and the extremely heavy rifle! and the fact that i had to dodge and duck! scary too. i shudder each time smbody fire. but by the 2nd and 3rd game i pretty much got used to it. was proud of myself for bringing back the 2 flags for my team! hahaha... ok shall eat a slice of humble pie. but anw, im glad i was in that team. at least we were pretty much humble and all had integrity. not like losers who had already lost yet cont shooting ppl. i mean cmon its just a game right? haha.. and sm kept telling others who he shot blah blah blah. yawns. how did things get so ugly and all? it was all so innocent when i was serving during sec days. now the mere sight of ppl just turn me off.

wept buckets like SIAO jus now la. haiyooooooooooooo. get a grip mizz whaaaannggggg~! so NOT looking forward to combine cell tmr. infact im dreading it. boo.

march is coming to an end and i have yet to find a temp job. sigh. am i useless or what. simply lazy n not taking initiative and expecting my pops to feed me at 21. i feel bad. honestly i do. and i so wanna earn my money so that i can spend it like nobodys biz and make myself happy. but it seems far-fetched now. sians.

submitted application for RMIT mktg.. needed smthg to fall back on in case i dont get the unisim application. sigh. smtimes i really wonder what the heck im doing. and of course i always regret not studying hard enough during o's and even in poly days. but one cant turn back time, and so i shall no longer waste time pouring out all my regrets. am determine to do well if i go back to sch. infact i already miss the good old days of schooling. even tho it aint rosy all the time, i sure had my fair share of fun too. at least things werent so complicated back then. or at least i didnt have to make any major decisions. all i had to do was to attend lectures, do my tutorials, study for exams. nt like nw where i have to decide whether to study, and if so to study what, or to work...

i really hate growing up. and seeing hw low human beings stoop just to get recognized/popular/power - the thought of it just gross me out. i believe no one is perfect, but the fact that ive seen ppl descend to such depths to manipulate others ----> way too ugly. but despite all these, i have to try and love. almost impossible. dont know how im gonna get it done. its okay if u aint a christian, sad thing is, you are. im disappointed.

looking back, i realised certain issues have arised time and again and i certainly chose to ignore it. IGNORANCE IS BLISS. how apt eh. everyones getting tired. physically/mentally/emotionally. but yet we can't give up, else the game's over. much as i hate making empty promises, i keep doing it. so i blame no one for the predicament im in.

what a night! was watching tv in the evening and my brother came running outta his room and told me bout it. sort of witness a suicide. oh wells. saw the dead body covered up with a white plastic. then the police flip over the plastic and took pictures of the dead corpse, then they actually flip the body over to take more pics! omg. thot i was gonna pengsan. kinda sad actually. saw the kins crying hysterically. what a way to die. imagine jumping off a building. and theres the poor nehneh who had to clean up the bloody mess. DAMN SAD CAN!!! sigh. my heart goes out to the family mann. anyway, this area is like warped la. one day funeral, one day ppl getting married, and another day smone jumping off the building. seriously freaking me out. shudder*

been rotting at home for 4 wholesome days! boo. super sians! need to get outta house soon!

went to the clinic on thurs with twinnie! oh my and what a disappointment. there was no proper dance floor and the crowd was really old and all. more like a bar than anything else. and the interior doesnt make it a clinic. guess we'll nv head back there anymore. got outta tt place pretty soon and walked ard the cannery to take peektures! and to our surprise we saw a bapok, all the boobs spilling out. eeks.

ecp with cellies ytd. thanks to bestie who offered to ride a double bike with me since i cant cycle. ohwells actually i can just that theres this phobia which actually exists. and makes me HATE cycling. but i really do apprec all that she've done la. tho i appear super pissed. sigh. cannot control my emotions. arghhh. hate it. but the miniature viking we took it to a high. at least it ended on a fun note! cosmo grp again, but guess it wasnt too bad afterall. we kept on and on laughing like forever. was damn farnie to see their faces and hear the incessant screams! wahhaa... nt too bad..

and today we were totally shagged, head bk home to nap before watching virgin suicides which was well, a bit warped. the stoic and astute cecillia.. scaryyyy!! living life as a dreamer. gdness. and the promiscuous sexual encounters on the roof. mystical...!anyway it tells of the suicides of the Lisbon girls, 5 sisters, and that there was nv a truly satisfying answer as to why they attempted suicide. pretty interestin i guess.. hehs.

anyway, hate the politics in church and all.. so much so much. totally grossed out by all these ppl. all wanting to vie for power and all. like wtf. its so disgusting. like hello wheres the democracy? and in case u dont know, i am not, and will never be on the same league as u. sorry if i led u on! and to hell with the stupid ppl with have gt no guts, no balls too. nt sure even if u have a willy. if only u wil steer clear of the ppl i love, the ppl i hang out with, the ppl i like, i would get down on my knees and thnk u. for nw, BUGGER OFF.

talking to certain ppl can just make me vomit blood. worstill when they are yr church friends. thot we were supposed to be encouraging and say things to build each other up and not tear them down, but why do i often get the other? im so grossed out by my churchmates. shameful thing to say. i jolly well know that no one is perfect but im just beginning to see more and more of the ugly sides of them. sigh. its really saddening la. i mean if u cannot be happy for me, then just leave it, dont cont to shower me with yr cynical responses. honestly i dont need them at all. why cant u ever ever be happy for me? u selfish little bitch. suddenly it all seems so bleak to me.

that aside, went to jb with dot n her pops ytd morn, got cheap thrills again! lurveee the good bargains i got.hehs. a pity we were there for just a few hours! then bk to twinnie's hm and napped before discipleship, which wasnt too bad ytd. usually i would have dreaded it but ytd's one turn out to be pretty okay. had supps at macs then gt a lift hm..

stay home thurs but not sure if shd go clinic tonight with twinnie to check it out since she gt the invite. hehs. seems pretty happening! 2nd thots im scared to go clubbing haha sounds sillyy i know. will prolly jus cower behind twinnie again... wahahaa... til then~!

escapade to tras street, haji lane with twinnie ytd! all the vintage shops there were uber cool but prices there were rocket high la. and the shops were really intimidating, was practically hiding behind twinnie each time we enter a shop. anyway, nthing much, unless u r a celebrity, have tons of money, cant be seen elsewhere, then shop at that narrow little alley! HAHA. anw, twinnie have been absolutely sweet with all the favors and treats knowing her fren's a pauper now, with zero net worth. just wondering when i wil ever get a job and return her all the favors. dont feel very good, dont want her to have idea that im sponging off her. ugh. but anw, its really nice to have a fren whos there 24/7 in times of need!

anw, was talking to crystal earlier on and talked abt the wrong reasons of gg church. seems like a fashion parade to her.in fact having so much pressure to dress to impress, and simply to kill. and how i agree on the stupid haughty looks of girls who frequent topshop and all. gross. sigh. hope im nt falling into it too. hate the rat race! but seems to me that im finding myself trapped too. gonna go repent soon. sigh.

its a stay home tues so means piano, tv,disciple and packing of room (YES, AGAIN). really hope i'll get admitted to sch. ugh.cross fingers and toes. if only i can contort, i'll gladly do that. haa. ciao.

its like a BRAND NEW KIND OF FEAR. and the weird thing is its STRANGE. and kinda like "edscipleba" im scared. cos it doesnt make too much sense to me. ugh.

just when i thought it was all over, i was wrong. )=

over for a swim n tan at the madeira. but of cos things didnt pretty much turn out the way i wanted it to be. i wonder how many times we have to go thru all the misunderstandings/miscommunications. im really exhausted this time. perhaps it was my fault, but nv did i want things to end up this way. sigh. arghhh. dont know to feel sad or to fume with anger. this is so confusing. ahhhhhhhhhhh. GRRRR.

i need a job d.e.s.p.e.r.a.t.e.l.y. if only smone would drop a blank cheque from above. i'd be over the moon. and of course big fat hope.

honestly, does it pay to be nice? seems to me that its always better to mind your own business. ohwells. whats life without its incessant troubles? pffft.

im glad we kissed and made up, and things can never get any better! had a wild time yesterday, combing the whole of clarke quay! thanks to my lovely fren who did a pretty good job as a tour guide, prior to years of wking at the area and having so many wonderful ideas!! such as the pretty canopies! hee. checked out the clinic, and went walking ard in Central. kinda sucky in there, all the bad infrastructure, and the excessive escalators. haha. conclusion: we'll nt go back there anymore! hee.. walked along the stretch, realised the hooters' girls havent got much of a butt nwadays. (titst too)! HAHA. oops. trigger happy many times too. hehs. then over to chinatown for dinnerrr and then we walk bk to MICA to take a bus home. it was a happy day coated with boisterous laughters, silly antics, and the best company one can ever have. hehs. thank God for my sillygoosefren. am just glad we got over the stupid incident. hope that such will never happen again, cos im gonna try my best to be a good girl.

that aside, am having sm problems deciphering where i shd go study. sm options are so exp, so basically they are out of the list. what fancies me most now shd be a deg in communication studies and english lang. seems pretty fun but my only concern is that its gonna be night classes and also on sat..boo.. cos its mainly catered for wking professionals. sians. plus they require a 2 yr wking exp in order to apply.. so i just sent an email enquiring abt it. sigh. night classes are nonsense! having classes from 7.30-10.30? like duh. and 2.30-5.30 on sat? just WRONG. and gross altogether. sigh. pray that God will lead me thru all of it. and im supp to like register by the end of this mth which is like really soon. mass comm sounds gd too, but its a part time course. yikes. another one which i actually considered was translation and interpretation! hee. eng n chi of course. hehs. sounds pretty cool but both my eng n chi are neither here nor there, so im unsure again. ahhh/ just hope that God will make known to me what He has in store for me...!

ciaooooooooooo

wondering if its time to take a hiatus fr blogging, or simply change blog add. smhw feel it aint so safe anymore. then again, this is for me to rant my frustrations, nt up to u to judge me whatsoever.

and if history ever repeats again, i sure dont know what to do anymore. i knew it was never going to be easy, but once again i fell. im so tired of it all, wanna take a break and go smwhere where i can be left alone to ponder all my wrongdoings. (or perhaps u shd bear part of it) i did try. i tried very hard, yet u saw through it all. no matter how hard i hide, it was just futile. the grass is greener on the other side. how many times have i heard it, i lost count. but i will keep trying and not let the devil get a foothold of me. its going to get really tough, and the path to come seems difficult. im nt sure how i can ever live up to it all. sigh.

but in retrospect, for all that happened, i played a big part. it all sparked off bcos of me, and it ended up that way bcos of me. was wandering if i shd shun it or just let it remain like this. bawled my eyes out and had a hard time falling asleep but who knows? haha... wallowing in self-pity TIME AND AGAIN. if only i dont take things so hard, stop making comparisons, be thankful for everything, i wouldnt have to make myself suffer like this.

maybe i'll just wake up and it would all just fade off and never haunt me again. let's just h.o.p.e.

and maybe it would do us good if u would keep your promises. cos i promise i'll try to be good.

30th anniv celebration came and gone, with nothing very much interesting for me to look forward to. boo. wasnt too bad of a celeb, but i wouldnt say it was fantastic whatsoever, just happy to meet up with old friends. time flies at warped speed, and changes are inevitable! scary. cny will be 0ver pretty soon, time to look for a job!! def have to decide if am gonna study or not. hais.. hate it. hate having to make major decisions. how i wish everything was planned for. ohwells in a way it is by God, but i just wish certain things would be made transparent to me then i wouldnt have to bother. what i fear is probably making the wrong choices.

caught norbit with chak over at great world ytd. many cheap thrills! anw, silly showww! hahaaa but had a good laugh anw. didnt want anythg too heavy.. stay home tues since chak went hm ytd.. gotta pack the room again and do some piano... zzz...zzz...zzz...

3 nights of insane frenzy rushing out the clergys' gifts almost drove us bonkers and edgy, snapping at each other and almost biting each others' head off! eeks. but im so glad we're finally (oh wells, almost) done with them all. just hope that we wont get any cynical comments upon seeing it la. definitely need to catch up with our sleep, esp my insane fren who slept at 7am last morn. me being the PIG as usual, succumbed to the sheets at a mere 3am. hahaaa what a traitor!!

blog-surfing and ended up reading some old sec-sch frens' blogs.. smhw its nice knowing that they still keep in contact with ppl in their cliques. kinda envious at the frequency which they meet one another. just wish mine was like that too, seems impossible tho. but, like what i always say, ppl grow up and move on. just want to keep certain r/s close to my heart and not let it go!

am super perplexed, wondering why on earth is that person having all the things that i have?! isit really such a coincidence??? definitely is strange. and i dont like it. sigh. wonder if it will ever ever end, or will it just continue forever to annoy me to no end? ugh.

i need to get a job real soon. sigh. but i loatheeeeeeeeee the process of getting a job, gg for intvs and all. gross. and i need to like sign up for sch soon too. time is running out! and im nt even sure what i wanna study or do. its time i stop avoiding the issue altogether.

and theres patrina's 21st bday party at secret garden 2 wks ltr. looking forward, wheee~!