been 2 weeks since i last updated, equating to a fortnight, amounting to half a mth.

finding myself caught up in the bk the family way by tony parson. totally lost and trapped in it. in a way that book's really inspiring and takes me to another world altogether.

bcos i have nothing much that i have to update on, i shall do a thanksgiving list.

1. i thank God for a loving set of parents. that is smthg which i think God has truly blessed me with, cos i believe my parents are very much in love with one another.

2. i thank God for the people He had planted in my life. whether they had stay or chose to move on, the difference they made to my life will forever be cherished.

3. i thank God for not making me a very rich girl, so that i learn the value of being thrifty, and finding joy in cheap thrills.

4. i thank God for creating me to be plump so that i dont dress skimpily or bitchily haha

5. i thank God that i can sing in tune and that im nt tone deaf (contribution by twin)

6. i thank God that i can serve him in the music ministry and the piano skills He had bestowed on me. (learning to play via chords, and no longer looking at the scores.)

7. i thank God for my room which i absolutely love

8. i thank God for twinnieeeee for being there for me all the time, be it happy or sad times

9. i thank God that im a girl so i can escape NS! haha. but the menses part suck big time.

10. i thank God for choosing me to be His child! tho i aint exactly a good girl, i'll try hard to behave to be more pleasing in His eyes. (:

on another note, my 21st is coming! haha im bloody excited!!! but nah, im nt expecting anythg. just wanna spend a day with myself and do happy things. wheee~!

period came and gone. well, almost. i am one happy girl now.

it has been a wk of scouting for beads with dino. nt an easy task, in fact its driving both of us up the wall. ugh. combed the whole of chinatown, bras basah, and jalan sultan, with many surprises and cheap thrills coming alongside with us..! just want to get it done soon. really hope u will just tell us how to get it done instead of being so vague and all. fyi, nt wking doesnt exactly mean that we're so darn free to get these stuff done alright. grrrr.

im so looking forward to my 21st. i must be mad. yet i know there wont be any major celebrations or such. i guess its just a day when i feel that the whole world shd just revolve ard me! a day whereby i get special treatment from loveeed ones. HAHA. ohwells. wake up.

tt aside, i feeel really useless for bumming ard for sucha long time, close to 4mths.. mama have been nice enough to give me a cheque. i didnt see it coming at all, but yes she is generous, tho its nt a hefty sum. but enough to last me a wk or 2. haha.. papa has been pretty nice too la, as usual. but im really beginning to feel bad. yet i cant be bothered to look for a job. grrr.

and the outcome of sch will only be made known to me nxt mth. sians. wondering what i'll get. sigh. i really hope my decisions and everythg will be what God wants me to do and not otherwise.

whoa. so much had happened since i last updated... was the holy week, so theres maundy thurs, good fri, and easter.. didnt expect myself to weep buckets cos dino and i were still sayiing that others were getting emo. well at least not until she came over and gave us both a hug. so sad. but i really do apprec the fact that shes taking initiative and all, plus it shows she still very much treasures this friendship. seems like there this invisible wall ever since the cell gt dismissed. dont exactly know how to go about saying it, but just kinda sad.

new cell aint too bad. at least we feel more involved nowadays, with the mentors and mentees. ohwells. kinda mixed feelings. but i still dislike certain ppl, doubt it will ever go away. sigh. wondering how i can ever break out of it. hate the fact that he's showing scant respect for others. gross.

attended ethan n bryans bday party over at the madeira on fri. nthg much i would say, just swimming in the pool, eating and cutting. if there aint the swimming pool, the partys gonna much be a boring one. brought along charmaine n mooncher.. and the two imps came over to stay over at my place with dinosaur. had a blast! the laughters were insane. kept laughing and laughing at the nippies. those u get at topshop to put on when putting on a bik so u wouldnt see the nip. haaa and the girls thot is was some jelly. was a riot! hilarioussss.

its scouting for beads later at chinatown with twinnieeee. hope i'll get smthg frutiful done. really dont wanna bum ard anymore!

contemplating whether to go for mini mission in jb with the youths. cos we'll cm back only on the 16th - my big day! haha.

we won all 3 games at paintball today, emerged as champion but apparently nobody cared. HAHA. just wondering how much bragging and boasting there would be if it was somebody else. anw, kudos to my teammates, tho none wil see this --> uncle henry, xiao wei, james, dorothy! u guys rock! beginning of the game was like yucky. hated it cos of the smelly mask, heavy vest and the extremely heavy rifle! and the fact that i had to dodge and duck! scary too. i shudder each time smbody fire. but by the 2nd and 3rd game i pretty much got used to it. was proud of myself for bringing back the 2 flags for my team! hahaha... ok shall eat a slice of humble pie. but anw, im glad i was in that team. at least we were pretty much humble and all had integrity. not like losers who had already lost yet cont shooting ppl. i mean cmon its just a game right? haha.. and sm kept telling others who he shot blah blah blah. yawns. how did things get so ugly and all? it was all so innocent when i was serving during sec days. now the mere sight of ppl just turn me off.

wept buckets like SIAO jus now la. haiyooooooooooooo. get a grip mizz whaaaannggggg~! so NOT looking forward to combine cell tmr. infact im dreading it. boo.

march is coming to an end and i have yet to find a temp job. sigh. am i useless or what. simply lazy n not taking initiative and expecting my pops to feed me at 21. i feel bad. honestly i do. and i so wanna earn my money so that i can spend it like nobodys biz and make myself happy. but it seems far-fetched now. sians.

submitted application for RMIT mktg.. needed smthg to fall back on in case i dont get the unisim application. sigh. smtimes i really wonder what the heck im doing. and of course i always regret not studying hard enough during o's and even in poly days. but one cant turn back time, and so i shall no longer waste time pouring out all my regrets. am determine to do well if i go back to sch. infact i already miss the good old days of schooling. even tho it aint rosy all the time, i sure had my fair share of fun too. at least things werent so complicated back then. or at least i didnt have to make any major decisions. all i had to do was to attend lectures, do my tutorials, study for exams. nt like nw where i have to decide whether to study, and if so to study what, or to work...

i really hate growing up. and seeing hw low human beings stoop just to get recognized/popular/power - the thought of it just gross me out. i believe no one is perfect, but the fact that ive seen ppl descend to such depths to manipulate others ----> way too ugly. but despite all these, i have to try and love. almost impossible. dont know how im gonna get it done. its okay if u aint a christian, sad thing is, you are. im disappointed.

looking back, i realised certain issues have arised time and again and i certainly chose to ignore it. IGNORANCE IS BLISS. how apt eh. everyones getting tired. physically/mentally/emotionally. but yet we can't give up, else the game's over. much as i hate making empty promises, i keep doing it. so i blame no one for the predicament im in.

what a night! was watching tv in the evening and my brother came running outta his room and told me bout it. sort of witness a suicide. oh wells. saw the dead body covered up with a white plastic. then the police flip over the plastic and took pictures of the dead corpse, then they actually flip the body over to take more pics! omg. thot i was gonna pengsan. kinda sad actually. saw the kins crying hysterically. what a way to die. imagine jumping off a building. and theres the poor nehneh who had to clean up the bloody mess. DAMN SAD CAN!!! sigh. my heart goes out to the family mann. anyway, this area is like warped la. one day funeral, one day ppl getting married, and another day smone jumping off the building. seriously freaking me out. shudder*

been rotting at home for 4 wholesome days! boo. super sians! need to get outta house soon!

went to the clinic on thurs with twinnie! oh my and what a disappointment. there was no proper dance floor and the crowd was really old and all. more like a bar than anything else. and the interior doesnt make it a clinic. guess we'll nv head back there anymore. got outta tt place pretty soon and walked ard the cannery to take peektures! and to our surprise we saw a bapok, all the boobs spilling out. eeks.

ecp with cellies ytd. thanks to bestie who offered to ride a double bike with me since i cant cycle. ohwells actually i can just that theres this phobia which actually exists. and makes me HATE cycling. but i really do apprec all that she've done la. tho i appear super pissed. sigh. cannot control my emotions. arghhh. hate it. but the miniature viking we took it to a high. at least it ended on a fun note! cosmo grp again, but guess it wasnt too bad afterall. we kept on and on laughing like forever. was damn farnie to see their faces and hear the incessant screams! wahhaa... nt too bad..

and today we were totally shagged, head bk home to nap before watching virgin suicides which was well, a bit warped. the stoic and astute cecillia.. scaryyyy!! living life as a dreamer. gdness. and the promiscuous sexual encounters on the roof. mystical...!anyway it tells of the suicides of the Lisbon girls, 5 sisters, and that there was nv a truly satisfying answer as to why they attempted suicide. pretty interestin i guess.. hehs.

anyway, hate the politics in church and all.. so much so much. totally grossed out by all these ppl. all wanting to vie for power and all. like wtf. its so disgusting. like hello wheres the democracy? and in case u dont know, i am not, and will never be on the same league as u. sorry if i led u on! and to hell with the stupid ppl with have gt no guts, no balls too. nt sure even if u have a willy. if only u wil steer clear of the ppl i love, the ppl i hang out with, the ppl i like, i would get down on my knees and thnk u. for nw, BUGGER OFF.

talking to certain ppl can just make me vomit blood. worstill when they are yr church friends. thot we were supposed to be encouraging and say things to build each other up and not tear them down, but why do i often get the other? im so grossed out by my churchmates. shameful thing to say. i jolly well know that no one is perfect but im just beginning to see more and more of the ugly sides of them. sigh. its really saddening la. i mean if u cannot be happy for me, then just leave it, dont cont to shower me with yr cynical responses. honestly i dont need them at all. why cant u ever ever be happy for me? u selfish little bitch. suddenly it all seems so bleak to me.

that aside, went to jb with dot n her pops ytd morn, got cheap thrills again! lurveee the good bargains i got.hehs. a pity we were there for just a few hours! then bk to twinnie's hm and napped before discipleship, which wasnt too bad ytd. usually i would have dreaded it but ytd's one turn out to be pretty okay. had supps at macs then gt a lift hm..

stay home thurs but not sure if shd go clinic tonight with twinnie to check it out since she gt the invite. hehs. seems pretty happening! 2nd thots im scared to go clubbing haha sounds sillyy i know. will prolly jus cower behind twinnie again... wahahaa... til then~!

escapade to tras street, haji lane with twinnie ytd! all the vintage shops there were uber cool but prices there were rocket high la. and the shops were really intimidating, was practically hiding behind twinnie each time we enter a shop. anyway, nthing much, unless u r a celebrity, have tons of money, cant be seen elsewhere, then shop at that narrow little alley! HAHA. anw, twinnie have been absolutely sweet with all the favors and treats knowing her fren's a pauper now, with zero net worth. just wondering when i wil ever get a job and return her all the favors. dont feel very good, dont want her to have idea that im sponging off her. ugh. but anw, its really nice to have a fren whos there 24/7 in times of need!

anw, was talking to crystal earlier on and talked abt the wrong reasons of gg church. seems like a fashion parade to her.in fact having so much pressure to dress to impress, and simply to kill. and how i agree on the stupid haughty looks of girls who frequent topshop and all. gross. sigh. hope im nt falling into it too. hate the rat race! but seems to me that im finding myself trapped too. gonna go repent soon. sigh.

its a stay home tues so means piano, tv,disciple and packing of room (YES, AGAIN). really hope i'll get admitted to sch. ugh.cross fingers and toes. if only i can contort, i'll gladly do that. haa. ciao.

its like a BRAND NEW KIND OF FEAR. and the weird thing is its STRANGE. and kinda like "edscipleba" im scared. cos it doesnt make too much sense to me. ugh.

just when i thought it was all over, i was wrong. )=

over for a swim n tan at the madeira. but of cos things didnt pretty much turn out the way i wanted it to be. i wonder how many times we have to go thru all the misunderstandings/miscommunications. im really exhausted this time. perhaps it was my fault, but nv did i want things to end up this way. sigh. arghhh. dont know to feel sad or to fume with anger. this is so confusing. ahhhhhhhhhhh. GRRRR.

i need a job d.e.s.p.e.r.a.t.e.l.y. if only smone would drop a blank cheque from above. i'd be over the moon. and of course big fat hope.

honestly, does it pay to be nice? seems to me that its always better to mind your own business. ohwells. whats life without its incessant troubles? pffft.

im glad we kissed and made up, and things can never get any better! had a wild time yesterday, combing the whole of clarke quay! thanks to my lovely fren who did a pretty good job as a tour guide, prior to years of wking at the area and having so many wonderful ideas!! such as the pretty canopies! hee. checked out the clinic, and went walking ard in Central. kinda sucky in there, all the bad infrastructure, and the excessive escalators. haha. conclusion: we'll nt go back there anymore! hee.. walked along the stretch, realised the hooters' girls havent got much of a butt nwadays. (titst too)! HAHA. oops. trigger happy many times too. hehs. then over to chinatown for dinnerrr and then we walk bk to MICA to take a bus home. it was a happy day coated with boisterous laughters, silly antics, and the best company one can ever have. hehs. thank God for my sillygoosefren. am just glad we got over the stupid incident. hope that such will never happen again, cos im gonna try my best to be a good girl.

that aside, am having sm problems deciphering where i shd go study. sm options are so exp, so basically they are out of the list. what fancies me most now shd be a deg in communication studies and english lang. seems pretty fun but my only concern is that its gonna be night classes and also on sat..boo.. cos its mainly catered for wking professionals. sians. plus they require a 2 yr wking exp in order to apply.. so i just sent an email enquiring abt it. sigh. night classes are nonsense! having classes from 7.30-10.30? like duh. and 2.30-5.30 on sat? just WRONG. and gross altogether. sigh. pray that God will lead me thru all of it. and im supp to like register by the end of this mth which is like really soon. mass comm sounds gd too, but its a part time course. yikes. another one which i actually considered was translation and interpretation! hee. eng n chi of course. hehs. sounds pretty cool but both my eng n chi are neither here nor there, so im unsure again. ahhh/ just hope that God will make known to me what He has in store for me...!

ciaooooooooooo

wondering if its time to take a hiatus fr blogging, or simply change blog add. smhw feel it aint so safe anymore. then again, this is for me to rant my frustrations, nt up to u to judge me whatsoever.

and if history ever repeats again, i sure dont know what to do anymore. i knew it was never going to be easy, but once again i fell. im so tired of it all, wanna take a break and go smwhere where i can be left alone to ponder all my wrongdoings. (or perhaps u shd bear part of it) i did try. i tried very hard, yet u saw through it all. no matter how hard i hide, it was just futile. the grass is greener on the other side. how many times have i heard it, i lost count. but i will keep trying and not let the devil get a foothold of me. its going to get really tough, and the path to come seems difficult. im nt sure how i can ever live up to it all. sigh.

but in retrospect, for all that happened, i played a big part. it all sparked off bcos of me, and it ended up that way bcos of me. was wandering if i shd shun it or just let it remain like this. bawled my eyes out and had a hard time falling asleep but who knows? haha... wallowing in self-pity TIME AND AGAIN. if only i dont take things so hard, stop making comparisons, be thankful for everything, i wouldnt have to make myself suffer like this.

maybe i'll just wake up and it would all just fade off and never haunt me again. let's just h.o.p.e.

and maybe it would do us good if u would keep your promises. cos i promise i'll try to be good.

30th anniv celebration came and gone, with nothing very much interesting for me to look forward to. boo. wasnt too bad of a celeb, but i wouldnt say it was fantastic whatsoever, just happy to meet up with old friends. time flies at warped speed, and changes are inevitable! scary. cny will be 0ver pretty soon, time to look for a job!! def have to decide if am gonna study or not. hais.. hate it. hate having to make major decisions. how i wish everything was planned for. ohwells in a way it is by God, but i just wish certain things would be made transparent to me then i wouldnt have to bother. what i fear is probably making the wrong choices.

caught norbit with chak over at great world ytd. many cheap thrills! anw, silly showww! hahaaa but had a good laugh anw. didnt want anythg too heavy.. stay home tues since chak went hm ytd.. gotta pack the room again and do some piano... zzz...zzz...zzz...

3 nights of insane frenzy rushing out the clergys' gifts almost drove us bonkers and edgy, snapping at each other and almost biting each others' head off! eeks. but im so glad we're finally (oh wells, almost) done with them all. just hope that we wont get any cynical comments upon seeing it la. definitely need to catch up with our sleep, esp my insane fren who slept at 7am last morn. me being the PIG as usual, succumbed to the sheets at a mere 3am. hahaaa what a traitor!!

blog-surfing and ended up reading some old sec-sch frens' blogs.. smhw its nice knowing that they still keep in contact with ppl in their cliques. kinda envious at the frequency which they meet one another. just wish mine was like that too, seems impossible tho. but, like what i always say, ppl grow up and move on. just want to keep certain r/s close to my heart and not let it go!

am super perplexed, wondering why on earth is that person having all the things that i have?! isit really such a coincidence??? definitely is strange. and i dont like it. sigh. wonder if it will ever ever end, or will it just continue forever to annoy me to no end? ugh.

i need to get a job real soon. sigh. but i loatheeeeeeeeee the process of getting a job, gg for intvs and all. gross. and i need to like sign up for sch soon too. time is running out! and im nt even sure what i wanna study or do. its time i stop avoiding the issue altogether.

and theres patrina's 21st bday party at secret garden 2 wks ltr. looking forward, wheee~!

.: imitation is the highest form of flattery :.

how true can that statement get. but fk u! for trying to imitate me cos its simply sucks on u. scrawny ugly thing. gross. oops. im a big meanie. shall repent. but i really hate it when ppl have the same things as me, esp aft when i've jus got it. what looks 'nice' on me might nt necessarily be nice on you, so wake up! anyway. notice the inversions, dont really mean the NICE nice. anyway. its jus smthg i loathe, wish u wil get a grip and get a life! bleah.

cny can not get any badder. with the asshole constantly screwing up my life, and driving me up the wall. cant even have a gd night's rest. wish u will just die n disappear. eekssssssssssss. puiiiiiii. bawled my eyes out for the slightest reason. dunno why im forever sucha emo wreck. gross. i want to grow out of it!

anw, cny is totally boring. definitely NOTHING for me to look forward to. except for maybe the moolah. u call it mercenary whatever, i dont care. HAHA. its just the cynical and skeptical me. so there, its a total waste of my time. poof.

other than tt, alls pretty fine except that i have to like spend 30 mins to blowdry my hair each time i wash it. high maintenance! price u have to pay for vanity.

over to graces hse w a cosmopolitant grp ytd. just bitching n more bitching. hehs. so much for confidentiality. haaaa. and theres this super cute toddler, who kept laughing and muttering, much like a funny ahjek! cuteeee!

as for nw gotta start preparing the clergys gift for the anniversary. bit of a bummer. cos it aint turning out the way we want it to be! ahhhhhhhhhh.

til then, enjoy yr cny!

cut my hair wheee like finally. look like bobbit! hehs. thanks junie for bringing me thereee, apprec it. met up with eve n sj! like happy. was a wk belated bday celeb for sj, yes, zhichar at coffeeshop near my place. hw hip eh. anw, was a nice ketchup with em before they fly off to perth. jealous.

chinatown with twinnie, suaty and my pops ytd! cosmopolitant grp but was fun! hee. am glad they all went afterall. can really feel the festive mood there except for a few stupid ahjeks. bleah. cny is cmg and im gonna be so bored at home... boo.

stil having tons of fun rotting around, nt having to do anything. but sigh i am so broke nw that i can only stay at home. boo. i need a job desperately. but im lazieeeeeeeee. ugh. starting to get the jitterbugs of playing nxt sunday. so many ppl . bet i wil sure screw up. sigh. was thinking abt it in the bus earlier on and the thot of it is scaring me. and i have to nice clothes or new shoes to wear........

its valentines day tmr!!!!!!!!!!! and i have a date! wheee. with 12 other people in discipleship class. wahahaaa.. too bad cant go for grace's invite to her place. nvm. i just hope nthing stupid will happen during discipleship tmr.

2 weeeeks since the last update. peaches and creme, rather rosy i would say. but of cos there were the turbulence, eject me fr the seat and send me crashing down again.

met up with juneeee! it was a good one. and yes meet up soon k babe!! know u'll see this, so here it goes... thanks so much for everything! the flower, the fab company and all the girls talk. really apprec n thank God for YOU girl!

and adels party on sat night..a tad boring, but glad i went in a way or so. at least i got to catch up with eve n sijie n chers.. etc etc. but sm things stil remain the same. the cynism, the skepticalism, whatever my own words la. and im quite sad it doesnt change. but guess its the character.

the more i think abt certain things, the more i gathered that life is unfair!! humph. dunno why i keep allowing such issues to rule my life. hate it.bleah. and things that permeate so easily that it will eventually spark off to a new dimension. yikes! cringe at the thought of it.

and its really ok to nt get me involved, cos thats forever the case. then again, no regrets cos i let it happen. right under my nose.poof. wicked, evil ppl. but it might be a good thing. sigh. dunno why im so angsty nowadays. 1 word, im wretched.

hell lot of things happening each day, dont even know where to begin. relived the good ole days of slacking and bumming ard.

stjames power station last fri! ha. clubbing with twinnie and her friends. some hen's party but it aint wild at all. lol. nice peeps tho. wonder whats the big hooha abt it cos its jus mediocre! jus like any other clubs. and the most spastic of it all - ACROBATIC PERF right when everyone was getting high. lol. imagine all the attention shift to the acrobats. all stood and stare and stop dead in their dancing tracks. isnt that rubbs. lameeee~!

and of cos, some things never change. forever will be present ppl who do things that hurt others unintentionally.haha yes unintentionally. but ive learnt nt to bother so that i wouldnt fall into the devils trap. like what ive said, some choose to stay, some wil eventually leave. and it all doesnt seem so important anymore. cos i keep all the worthy ones. hehs. so there.

and then theres the brother with the filipino gf. driving me up the wall. 4 races for him to choose fr ---> chinese, malay, indian, eurasian.but instead ive got a new maid. wtf. insane. this is definitely insane. hahaaa. ahhhhh.

then i had to fall out with mama cos of a stupid lift to church. like fuckkkk. hw can i allow an asshole to come in btw us? duh. anyway, to hell with it. bleahhhh.

starting to have the fear of friends leaving me one by one cos i dont take initiative to hang out with them. like left out or smthg. sigh. dont want that to happen. but then again, some things are jus inevitable. u win some, u lose some.

and this rat race is driving me to the edge. seems like i jus cant see eye to eye with many and their doings.perhaps i shd be taken up (i hope) and i might be happier.

im at twinnies place! yes again. just hope and pray that madam chua will nt be mad. and my bloody phone bills have nt been paid and im so fucking screwed cos i cant use the blardy phone! how sad is that. damnit. sians.

and im jobless. i feel so damnnnnnnnnnn insecured!! hate the feeling. just wondering hw soon it will be before i declare bankrupt. yet again.boo.

i feel like im morphing into queen bitch soon. if certain things continue to develop in a certain way. ahhhhh.

suck it suck it suck it.

watched scary movie 1 n 2 with twin. is damn damn damn effing hilarious!!! laugh til i peng ah. go watch it...goooooooooooooooooo~!!!