ok cell was pretty cool.. just when i was thinking when will all the 6 of us ever be present during cell, it happened.. and we had a new fren today. like wow, a guy. lol. the last time we had a guy during cell was prob when the policemen were in shorts, hahaaaa.. anyway its meis bf lah. ha.. and i gt a blue live strong band from mei nu.. xie xie ni. =)

rotted in the girls' room reading mags.. i wanna make the sash belt, its super niceeee k.. shall attempt it when i got all the materials. or rather i'll ask ah cai to help me with it, gee..

oh damn it. i loathe sunday nights. i LOATHE it. simply hate it. ugh. monday blues are here to stay soon. sob...

gotta turn in soon. sigh. need ta wake up at 7. how fair can life be.

.: counting counting and still counting :.

sometimes i wish i could be living somebody else's life.. seems to me that im leading a really b.o.r.i.n.g lifestyle. i wish i could be doing more outrageous stuff, wish i have those really hippie friends, wish i could party all day long, wish i could spend like a running tap, wish i could be more rebellious. but the realities of life really BITE. and sometimes i get mad by the silliest things that can ever happen. sigh. and it wasnt pleasant at all. i wish giving was a 2 way kind of thing. but it seems to always prove me wrong. dont know whats wrong with me, always having silly thots that are just plain DUH.

well i must say im a little disappointed lah, but then again, life's filled with endless disappointments so i guess theres no point brooding over it, ha.. it definitely takes 2 hands to clap, how true tt statement is.. guess i have to get over it, wahaha.. bonkers. am always having weird thots. retard retard.

i'd be much happier if u can shut up for a while. just for a while. so f.o. =)

depressing. but i wont look back.

ha cool couple

fella wid a lil bangs ha

the hip-hop fella

haha fun w dough on 12/04

.: 25 days and still counting :.

yay its finally friday! went with mag to 6th ave venezia for ice-cream, yummyyyy... green tea and peanut butter, woot! and i got reeses peanut buttercups, but it aint the white choc one.. can someone tell me where i can get em? ha.. borrowed love actually, went up to watch, so sorry mag i kept dozing off, and missed the climax of the show! hahas.. shall watch them again! i wanna tan in the morn, but think i wont be able to wake up, ughs..

was shopping during lunch time and omg, saw this pair of sandals which i really like.. grins.. shall get it nxt wk! lol.. so theres altogether 3pairs of shoes which i wanna get nw! like i have the money.:(

was talking to aunty gladys in the loo, and she asked if shes old, i said nah lah, i think u are very havoc.. hahaha.. im a bootlicker. :) :) :)

.: 26 and still counting :.

.: 26 DAYS AND STILL COUNTING :.

the bus ride there took me 50 mins, bus ride bk took me an hr n 5 mins. feel like throwing up, way too long a ride, but yet i prefer taking tt mode of transport than train. and yay, friday is finally finally here! yeeps, so happieee! but then, there aint any programs lined up over the weekend, guess its time for me, myself and i! ha.. anyway, im gonna help my brother return a book, and that gives me a reward of 9 bucks, the leftover! hee.. mayb i can borrow a bk too!

my job's real mundane, sigh, but im thankful. a week ago i was still very much suffering.

there are so many things i wanna do. *sleep. *shopping. *movies. i want to meet up with many people too, but just cant be bothered to arrange the mtg place, time etc, im sick of taking the initiative to this and that. its time you do something bout it, nt me.

i wanna go church camp and get bombarded by my twinnie on rubbish krapps.

.: 27 days and still counting :.

and yes, finally its midwk. i must say working life is definitely no fun at all, nt a single bit. dozed off a couple of times today, hopefully nobody caught me doing it. simply too tired too concentrate, have been staring at the screen for like the whole day, and just feel like napping aft lunch.. was contemplating whether to go sleep in the toilet for a while or nt, but decided against the idea, since everyone can see u when u walk to the loo. tried all sorts of sitting positions, cross legged, stretched, etc etc, but to not much avail.

i think i kind of enjoy working in raffles place, thot it was pretty cool in fact, haha.. esp when u walk down the stairs, and u'll hear kiak kiak kiak, ha yeah the heels of womens shoes.. lol.. feels to me like a professional, always in busy mode, rushing for time, gee.. but still, i'd rather be back in sch then to be back at wk anytime. finally understand why people are saying they wish they were back at sch.. cuz working life is afterall nothing but just pure weary and tiresome.

sometimes i think i'm too possessive abt certain things. wish i'll learn to just let go. sigh. i know its not very nice, but people are selfish. what to do.. i cant stand myself at times, just feel like giving myself a tight slap across the face, ha, but i love xiaojia too much that i cant bear the thot of doing that to her, haha...

am looking forward to friday, when i can dash out of that very much dreaded door after work.

gonna attempt taking the bus to wk tmr.

okies, off to dreamland soon! ta-ta!

.: drama mama :.

its pretty much like a fresh new start, know it was Him who made it possible all along. just tt was al lil bit scared when the lady boss say'so u are expected to do some a/c stuff as well yeah? i was like oh ok..' cold beads of sweat were dripping down my forehead, ha... was amazed by how nice the people were. really felt like heaven, compared to last week's hell. but it was God all along, even tho last week was really traumatizing, i had to say it was getting better each day.. the people at my new wkplace are like all auditors or accountants or smthg, so i feel kinda out of place lah, but still, they are niceee. :)

so i started the day off by helping sophia do some filing, and i almost got squashed by aunty gladys! oh my.. its that kinda shelves where there are tons and tons of folders, and u turn some big wheel or whatever u call it, clockwise, and it'll open. so i was putting in the folders back, squatting down to put some below, and suddenly, the shelves started to move!! guess she didnt know i was there, and she started turning, and i was panicking like mad! haha then let out a loud"excuse me!!!" then she realised i was there.. the look on her face had been hilarious, she was like sorry sorry! lucky u still know how to let out a yelp! haha.. else i'll be flat.. lol.. so nice that she pushed a chair over, and tuck it btw the shelves, so as to "protect" me fr being squashed accidentally! lol.. and someone actually offered me a sweet k, so nice. and someone actually tell me no hurry k, can do tmr, thanks. and another said, hey ke yi hui jia le. job was quite fun, no need to think, just type some labels, print it out, do filing, and just that itself i took up the whole day, and yes its nt done yet. haha.. just scared that they'll ask me audit some stuff, then i'll pengsan.

news bout my predicament last wk kinda spread to my grandmama's ears. and my mama told me tt my grandmama called, and asked abt me, and that my grandmama cried too while talking abt me. omgoodness. i m so bloody ashame for this big hoo ha. sometimes i wonder if i've over-reacted.

.: drama mama :.

.: God loves me :.

ok so tmr will be it. mixed feelings right now, but just hope for the better. have been a pretty traumatizing week, and i just want to step out of that shadow right now.

had a fabulous time with my darlings today.. rotted the noon off at coffee club, and thanks mei for the chocolate fondue.. it was yummy yummy.. anyway twinnie wanted that for her birthday, and i thot that was pretty easy, haha.. so no problem lah.. and thanks again mei, for yr little cute gift, no idea how touched i was, really.. hee.. anyway, im so much happier now, thank God for this group of people who'll stick with me thru thick and thin.. hahas.. and fer the big big hug too, hahas...

wanted to get the shirts at gior, but they changed the season's clothes already, sians, so got nothing lah.. went diaso, and there seems to be nothing which i wanna get, which is weird, cuz i usually have to screen the stuff in the basket, and discard those which i dont need tt badly. lol. prob cuz money shd be spent wisely? lol.

anyway, my mama say i got a stuck up and unfriendly face, which i so totally disagree. but perhaps shes right lah. so im gonna be all nice and smiley from tmr onwards. lol.

.: break away :.

was glad when i went up and see the pressies i got for the boys opened mag told me they were playing with it these 2 days *grins. glad they like it. hmmm mayb i'll go get some refills from playdough

it was a stay home saturday, had some time to myself. for once listen to nothing but peace. peace that comes from Him that surpasses all understandings. sometimes one need to have time for herself. lives are often so busy that we failed to see the beautiful surroundings around us.

i've learnt to be stronger, and i thank Him for helping me live each day with peace and courage. i've learnt that He will send angels to be with me during all chapters of my live
i've learnt that genuine concern does come from people and words can never express my gratitude, but i still want to say THANK YOU for making me feel loved.

beginning to appreciate things, people more after what have happened within this one week making a living is afterall not as easy as what it seems and there cant possible be angels everywhere in our lives. and our lives cant always be peaches and creme. after all the sobbing, theres a big lesson for me to learn

God has walked me thru one of the darkest episode of my life. He had tide over all the gloomy events. and i pray that i'll learn to treasure the new lease of chance. it wont be easy, a scar has already been imprinted in me the frightening vividness of my dream. but i know, i know He'll be holding my hands always. and He'll be there to pick me up fr where i fall.

its time to smile and make merry with my dearies.
and yes, sunday is finally here. Amen.

.:brand new beginning:.

this week was definitely a long one. after endless nights of insomnia, crying myself to sleep, i should be able to have a gd rest tonight. the long awaited weekend is finally here, and for once i have a smile plastered over my face.

and i wanna say a huge THANK YOU to my daddy, and father on top, for seeing me thru all these. my daddy, for making the phone call to my LO, asking me nt to be frightened, showing his care and concern for me, everythg he did made me feel loved and precious in his eyes. same goes for mummy... must have scared her badly, for she didnt talk to me much for the fear of switching on my weep tap, not to miss out the not eating part.

but its all over. im free. free again. thank u. it wasnt possible w/o u intervening. really gonna treasure this weekend, after all i've been thru. dont want to look back anymore.

just cant wait to see my darlings on sunday. oh jus how much i miss them. just cant wait for sunday to arrive. just want to give them a BIG BIG HUG. miss them real badly. and yeah i wanna proclaim my love for them here. lol. esp mei dot rose meinu nick. life would be pretty much meaningless w/o u guys ard me. oh my. how i miss them. i really do. so badly. and my poor darling is down with high fever, prob cuz her twin is down and unhappy. sigh. feel so bad. hope she recovers soon.

just wanna pray for a brand new beginning, and to thank Him for Bee who's in the same comp. God has never left me after all. and i'll cont to keep Aunt Ranie, Kav, SC, Capt. Rashid in my prayers, cuz they were the ones who have guided me and given me so much help and shieldings.
and also for all who cared, love u all, may the Lord's love and peace surround u all days of yr life. :)

now im baffled really. all of a sudden their attitude changed. for the better of course. i dont know what to do now. totally lost. then til this morn i realised that the mails couldnt be sent to my LO. so i asked Nic and Aud to help, but same prob cropped up. in the end had to fax it to her. and up till now she havent call to inform me that she've received it etc. totally clueless now. sigh. and then uncle rashid seems not to be that trustworthy aft all. sigh. really confused nw, caught in this whole issue. sigh. i lost my appetite, couldnt sleep and eat well. sigh. durng the day i'll have terrible stomachaches that make me wanna go LS but i bear with it for the fear of them asking me to do smthg. just wonder how long i can bear with it. sigh.

nic and aud are leaving tmr. oh my. tmr. feel so unprotected w/o them. at a lost. sigh. and they'll be back only on monday. double sigh. wish they could take me with them.

sobbed again today when i talked to my mum. i really dont want to go back to that horrible place. daddy told me nt to be afraid, and said he'll call my LO tmr, but thing is, i think i shd wait for my LO to call me regarding the fax first. sigh. dunno what to do now. sigh. daddy says if she gets nothing done about it, he'll go down to moe. sigh.. i really dont know how.

Will u please show me yr way God. are u there. are u. i think u left me. or mayb i left u.

such a bad predicament.. of all people, but me. sigh. u have absolutely no idea how i feel when i see ppl ard so carefree, having fun, saying how boring attachmt is, that they have nothing to do. .no offence.

help.

today was another day of hell.
made to do tons of things, and first thing in the morn she asked me why i never report to her regarding the call to the embassy, and asked whther if she shd report to me instead. was like wtf lah, just f*** off lah. then as usual ask order me here and there, do this do that, then was suppose to mit officer for lunch, but they kept me bk, say must finish this first, which i took a long time, and delayed the lunch for bout 1/2 hr. then 5.50 ask me send errand, go all the way to raffles place, and the poor supplier had to give me a lift. anyway he's nice. and told him bout my situation, he said, dont stay there, and say if need help or smthg, can look for him. so nice. everyone's so nice. except for the 2 bitches. reached the place at 6.10, and had to walk for 20 minutes in the rain before finding the place. you have no idea how it feels, to be all alone, in a foreign area, and u need to get this job done fast, blisters on toes, cold, hungry, demoralised, frightened, fearful, wondering what the next day will bring, and pessimism will fill yr heart, and will shudder at the thought of them.

sigh. and its really sianing. everywhere i go, it'll be the indians that im asking help for. cuz i was walking ard, was lost, so asked the security in many buildings, must have approached ard 5 of them, haha, and all were indians. sigh. my life. seems to be filled with indians. then in the train, 1 indian standing in front of me, another 2 behind. how suay. tt's nt all. the worst thing, took a cab from clementi and the driver was also an indian. like wth, keep having to come in contact with them. but he's nice, and the security guards are nice.then when buying things at the supermkt, indian queing behind me.(-.-)lll. im baffled. such nice and such terrible indians. confused. aunty ranie, uncle rashid, taxi driver, guards all nice indians. siti and nazirra are such nasty indians. sigh.

capt. rashid is the also super nice. hopefully he doesnt stab me in the back. he told me its nt worth staying there, say that previous girls also went to his office and cry, and they got transferred out etc. and that the two bitches are nasty, and i'll nv know what they'll do to me. what he meant was they'll prob fail me at the end of it.. thats y i have to get out of this rut too. but my LO is nt helping me much. she said cuz np also got agreemt with them etc etc.. sians. like that how. no one is helping me. damnit lah. arghhh. this is driving me crazy.

but im proud of myself, proud of how i can take it for 3 whole days, how i've stopped crying today, prob cuz i have given up all hopes. ha. i'll learnt to bear with it. to tell myself theres no pt getting upset cuz it aint yr fault. and no longer that frightened. just feel tt life is unfair, and it will never be justified. never.

finally i can understand y maids like to kill their employers
its because u just get so damn angry and mad
and makes u wanna chase aft their employer with a cleaver
understand their plight now.
and all i can say is, well done, just make sure u dont get caught.

today was another day of hell.
wheer i'm off only at 9pm.
but they were gone long time ago.
auntie ranee said i had to clear the stuff
cuz theres more new work coming in tmr
fuck right.
fuck the bitches upside down.
wish they'll just die and disappear.

aunty ranee will be quitting soon.
sigh. she's so nice.
kavin's nice also.
they understand my plight too.
wtf right.
they also get bullied, but are used to it.
everyday stay til super late w/o getting paid.
plus they're doing way too much stuff.

these 2 bitches. forever scolding fuck and fucker n arsehole
such fakers u know.
they are 2 indian sisters. the younger one is married to the angmoh boss.
whom i presume is blind.
stayed till late to do wk when he's ard.
went out for long lunch and come in to office late when he's nt there
not much vulgarities when he's ard.
but when he's nt there, all the filth comes outta their mouths

i wanna get out of this rut.
really i do.
or i'll suffer from a nervous breakdown.

went to hawks hse straight aft wk
nick and aud was there
almost in tears when i saw them.
managed to controlled it..
then went straight to the sofa to sit
seconds later, dorothy called..
and then the tap was switched on..
anyway, was really sweet of her to call me.
really touched.
and jess too, the previous night.
think i shall nt see or talk to my closed ones, c
cuz i'll prob keep crying and crying.
and i got swollen eyes this morn. sigh.

thanks to xiaoming, meinu, fu-ge, donna, evelyn, glen, cheryl, jess, liz, dorothy twinnie, amei, suaty, patrina, janice, shirley, and all those who care. love all of u...

darling 1: yo! got any chee ko pek boss? or big bully secretary? hope things turn out well so far!

and of course it didnt. sobbed when i step out of office to have lunch.

darling 1: s*** hate indian bitches, they damn vocal & mk big deal, esp since they r almoz always ugly. oh noo... hope u'll be oki, sigh! show em' u are nt to be bullied!

darling 2: there there... lotsa fuckers, fakers, bitches, jerks, 2headed, hypocrites, backstabbers! i hate em too! Dun gif em a damn. Jz knw yr conscience's clear. I used 2dash to loo sobbin. At times nt fast enuff, tear already rolled down, decided its more convenient 2 weep at desk instead. Heck bout embarrassment then, haha. Girl, seek consolance in Him.Rem we're always here for u. it helps. after this ordeal, u learn how to start fend off those meanies! Brace yrself, show em what u are capable of!
know its esp tough for u, hope this lyrics will make yr day like it did for me:
listen as the day unfolds,
challenge wat the future holds.
try and keep yr head up2d sky.
lovers, they may cause u tears
go ahead and release ur fears
stand up and be counted
dont be shame to cry
u gotta be
u gotta be bad
u gotta be bold
u gotta be wiser
u gotta be hard
u gotta be tough
u gotta be stronger
u gotta be cool
u gotta be calm
u gotta stay together
all i know
love wll save the day.
*love ya twin*

darling 1:wahlaoeh stupid witch, heck care her and complain to the teacher in charge at sch! make a detailed note of what she say/ instruct u & i'll help u write a letter!

dun react to em, these bullies just cower under them, just do what's told, heck them! is ur boss better? if can, talk 2 him

darling 2: y the hell did they let u off so late? its just the beginning of the attachment! do they hav no common sense?! stupid dumb dumb company!! ay yo, poor girl, dun sob, dun sob, haiz. they are abusing their rights! call up ur lecturer and complain! u oughta do that now! if nt, go sch and complain tmr! stupid idiotic company!

darling 1: wat?!! how caan.. they got work to rush isit? so unreasonable. mk it clear what r yr working scope and hrs, dun get bullied! must thick skin, heck care! hugz!

oh no... dun feel that way.. fuck those fools..dun let them tear u down! u r worth more! hush hush u can do it...

darling 2: haiz mayb u wanna try asking others instead? is everyone as nasty? sigh. whats up with em? young bitches or old? curse em! dun sob girl, dun cry over them. not worth it. brace yrself! ay yo, tmr call up yr lecturer and voice out to him. dun let them think they can bully n walk over you. quite upsetting. i imagines and almost cried too when u told me earlier. sigh. my poor twin.

No way! dyings def nt one of d soln! cmon dont make me worry. really, this can surely be resolved. if u cant stand those indian sluts dun talk to em. i guess its tough for anyone 2 understandwhat u r gg thru. rem i almost felt the same way when i wept buckets over coffeeshop issue. so lost and abandoned then. kept questioning Him y put me in such a spot. its a learnin process girl. its impt to share, 2 know tt ppl care, it definitely spurs me n overcome each obstacle, slowly but surely, i know i can

darling 1: aww gal.. dun fret about those sickening assholes k!! u deserve better! if this continues, write for a transfer...
___________________________________________________________________

i really appreciate all those who care. really. but im at my wits end. whenever i think of their faces, i start weeping buckets again.

p e t r i f i e d

oh my.
im really scared.
with every second ticking away.

petrified/scared/anxious/nervous/frightened/
terrified/fearful/afraid/worried/stressed/
tensed/frazzled/depressed/
please please keep me in ur prayers will u.

its been a long time since i last attended a kid's bday party
i would say it has been a lot of fun
seeing all the kids getting so excited and eager
playing with balloons
trying to dip feet into the pool w/o much success
running here and there
brings back fond memories of my childhood..
as much as i can remember,
every year of my birth will definitely be celebrated, without fail
probably till when i was primary 6
going to to parties were always so fun
u get to be in best frocks
get to buy nice pressies for yr frens
and have a hell lot of fun at the party
and the most delightful thing is to get a little small souveneir when u are leaving
they would be things like goodie bags with sweets, balloons, pencils, etc etc in it
whenever i get them i'd be like damn happy.. lol..

and for the birthday boy/girl
u'll be in yr best suit as well, and the star for the night will be u
all attention and focus will be on u
and u'll be treated like a little prince/princess
people will let u have things your way
and u get a really humongous birthday cake
and of course trucks of pressies!!

bt have u realised that as time passes
we dont celeb birthdays that often anymore
and that mountains of pressies have been decreasing in number?
celebration will then be kept to just family and close friends
who bother to take the effort and do smthg really sweet for u
give it somemore years, and there'll be a complete end to celebrations
friends no longer celeb for u
and u'd be thankful if someone remembers, and give u a card for smthg.

therefore, treasure each and every birthday celebration that u have nw
cuz u'll nv know when it will all come to an end.

conclusion - my birthday is on the 16th of June 1986. lol.

yeeps, freedoms here.
but got the dumb dumb attachment
thats gonna spoil the hols mood.
im really dreading it.
the thot of it scares me like mad.

gonna head down for ethans and bryans birthday party soon
perhaps a small celebration for myself too. lol.
today and tmr will probably be the days when i can have fun.
so here i come

anyway i think he's mad.
but its nt my fault right
sorry anyway, if u think i pang seh u.
cuz i probably did.
but yr fren shd have met u at 3.
cuz u said so in the 1st place.
plus, i was carrying such a big bag of stuff
how do u expect me to go all the way down with u
am i right
but sorry anyway

*the bleak period will be over before you know it.
He makes all things beautiful in His time.
trust in Him and His faithfulness.*